Stories of Awesome (Or something close to it.)

[D&B]

Bottom post of the previous page:

>Assistant
>Walk towards medbay to see what's up
>Someone turns me into a slime
>Fug
>See lesser ash Drake killing people
>Jump on him
>Mfw 10 ton giant dragon got killed by 15 pound slime

[XDTM]

Funny thing is that slimes get healed by burn damage, so they're pretty good against drakes. The fact that lesser drakes have somewhere around 200 health instead of 2500 helps.

[IcePacks]

>trialmin
>time for my first gimmick in three years! hope i don't get deadminned again!
>calzilla's asking for some trash syndicate shop meme
>okay i'll do a gimmick of MY choosing
>i'll make you gun... man...?
>calzilla points out that this is lame
>listening to franz ferdinand
>i'll do a musical reference
>yeah i'll make him a man in black with a superpowered guitar
>and announce it only people who get the reference will be prepared
>do that
>
>calzilla starts lopping off legs (i gave the guitar sharpness) trying to stun people like a faggot
>kills a fucking shitload of people holy shit so many dead people
>while playing sad ditties on his guitar
>picks up a taser
>yell at him to drop it
>fix his guitar
>he goes around trying to kill people again
>deadchat is full of people now, only half of them get the joke
>worried that my gimmick has gone too far
>walks up to a lizard who has no idea what's going on
>"hey wanna hear my songs?"
>"sssssure man"
>"IN HELL"
>lunges at him
>the lizard beats him down with rods
>bleeds to death
>cobby spawns a bed of flowers for him to bleed out in, as a hero
>almost everyone is fucking dead jesus christ
[youtube]uhFF_NhaUIU[/youtube]

I DIDN'T SPELL "TONGUED" RIGHT ARRRRGH

[Qbopper]

that reference was pretty fucking blatant how could anyone miss it

I don't listen to cash and even I knew what was going to happen

[calzilla1]

1. I was playing through fire and flames
B. I swear to god people randomly get insane resistances in this game

[Wyzack]

Hear the trumpets hear the pipers


one hundred million angels singing

[MrEousTranger]

>Assitant
>no antag role FML
>suicide
>roll for Pai memes so hopefully I have something to do
>Cortana
>holy fucking shit made nuke ops pai
>Dream come true :,)
>Given to some nukie
>consistantly refer to my master as "John"
>in syndie base
>carps sentient
>apparently they fed a macro bomb to the fish thus making him into a walking max cap
>holy fuck best idea ever
>John apparently spent all his tc's just for that
>we get left at hq
>the fuck
>wait for "longsword" to return
>get on
>everyone goes out into space
>John floats around with the fish, me safely in pocket
>Remind him to keep his head down theres two of us in here remember?
>move to Ai
>carp smashes doors
>shock turrets with gun thing
>get to ai say goodbye to fish
>Gave the covenant back their bomb
>Max cap
>Ai gone
>fly back to "longsword"
>(almost)everyone comes back
>almost no one knew there was ops
>flood station with the cleansing light of the covena-SYNDICATE
>green text for nukies thus a victory for me
>nothing of the station remains
>just dust and echos

[Qbopper]

>Assitant
>no antag role FML
>suicide

please stop

[cedarbridge]

>Assitant
>no antag role FML
>suicide

please stop

[MrEousTranger]

>Assitant
>no antag role FML
>suicide

please stop

I only said that for memes I just lost out on all my choices
Det, warden, hos etc.

[IcePacks]

>fails to get validhunting gear in life
>tries to get it in death

[ChaserGrey]

Probably not overwhelming awesome by global standards, but first greentext woo!

>Chief Medical Officer
>Also traitor
>Assigned to assassinate one of my own geneticists and GTFO undetected.
>Detonatix cartridge, blow up his PDA.
>[Medical] Shit! "Oh hey, what happened man?"
>Lost his arm. Oh hey, let me help you with that...
>Drag him off to a sleeper, shoot him up with morphine, drag him off to a maint locker.
>Shoot him up with enough toxins to kill an elephant
>Nobody asks me the rest of the round where he went.
>Be a model CMO for the rest of the round and get out in an escape pod

Admittedly, being a Head and being asked to kill one of your own underlings is about as easy as it gets.

[XDTM]

Sometimes you get stuff like the CE being told to steal his own boots and escape alive

[Alipheese]

nice little meme TC trade that went off well.
>be virologist (duh)
>you are a potator
>ask for tc trade for something
>nope.jpg
>think for awhile while making the SMMP virus
>how about a slipocyplse that spawns 20 carps
>seen it before and it was fun
>it's okayed
>takes abit for the admin to get it setup, deliveried to my lab
>finish up the virus and give to heads and sec
>hear of traitors fucking about
>go to escape as shuttles called to get there in 10
>go spacewalk to ai sat as i think they're lonely
>find a dead atmosman in space and drag his body around
>in retrospect i have no clue why i was dragging a corpse around with me for 10 minutes
>see a person in a red hardsuit
>theyre trying to break into the ai sat and failing miserably
>they are spooked at my presence
>try to talk and then realize apparently cant talk in space
>hes acting abit hostile
>whats the best action?
>throw the corpse at him repeatedly
>get him down to 1/4 health
>we sax around the outside of maint/engineering on delta south side
>we jump from the station into open space and he throws an item
>fucker do you think this is a game?
>it is because i have a bag of 20 bottles to throw
>playfully follow him around and just disarm him abit
>he takes my corpse i had
>lose him and eventually make a spear from debris in space
>find him in the maint rage cage
>he asks to hold up for a second
>we talk it out
>hes a confirmed tator
>eventually i drop the intent to corpsemurder him
>give him the SMMP virus and my spear
>i like you kid
>dont go on the shuttle
>we both exit as shuttles almost there
>get on the shuttle and wait for it to leave
>about 30 seconds from launch
>bunch of people in comfy chairs around a few tables talking about the plush carp
>i tell them to wait
>i tell them we will all become carps
>i tell them it says it loves us all
>did i mention i had a payload of 20 carps
>and i was set to carp faction too?
>shuttle launches
>i start priming all my carp spawners
>shuttle filled with 20 carp going out and murdering people
>lings, tators, normies alike being slaughtered
>get the moonlight greatsword from someone
>proceed with my carps to murder everyone on shuttle
>i ended up cucking EVERY single tator and ling besides one tator who had suicide objective
>i greentexted
>people enjoyed the SMMP
>twas a good round

[ShadowDimentio]

>Be mime
>Do my thing and mime about
>HoS aggros on me like a dick
>Brigs me for an exorbitant time
>Cap releases me like a nice guy
>Tell the HoS he's made a powerful enemy
>He has his goons on me the second I leave the brig
>Welp
>Smash the brig windows as justice
>Get caught by the detective and thrown in a single perma cell
>Cap comes to visit, hears my story and offers to release me into witness protection
>Disguises a monkeyman as me and I'm free
>Become janitor, cleaner of worlds
>Except not because the cult have gotten mean and are roaming the halls
>Botany has a ton of robust peels on their counter
>Grab them and steal the CE's magboots
>Shuttle is called
>Kill a culter in robes running around the halls
>Shuttle is recalled
>Rush to go see whodunnit
>See a roboticist running out of the bridge, through the HoP's doors
>Concluding he has all access and is likely a culter, I slip and beat him to death
>Loot him and find the captain's stuff
>Aw hell, poor guy
>Naked guy runs in the room
>OH SHIT IT'S THE CAPTAIN WADDUP
>He explains he got dunked but was autocloned
>Give him back his stuff and team up shortly
>Lose him after we call the shuttle again
>Raid the armory and the RD's hardsuit rush to the shuttle
>See a wraith running with a corpse
>It's the captain again
>You poor motherfucker
>Leave him-- there's not enough time to revive or loot him
>Get on the shuttle
>Hide in the EVA area nobody ever checks and arrive at HQ safely
>The captain was PKP

My DUDE

[PKPenguin321]

>The captain was PKP

My DUDE

i got autocloned again after the shuttle left and killed 2 more cultists and 2 constructs before the shuttle docked and ended the round alive
all in all it was a big success

[Dr_bee]

nice little meme TC trade that went off well.
>be virologist (duh)
*snip*
>bunch of people in comfy chairs around a few tables talking about the plush carp
>i tell them to wait
>i tell them we will all become carps
>i tell them it says it loves us all
>did i mention i had a payload of 20 carps
>and i was set to carp faction too?
>shuttle launches
>i start priming all my carp spawners
>shuttle filled with 20 carp going out and murdering people
>lings, tators, normies alike being slaughtered
>get the moonlight greatsword from someone
>proceed with my carps to murder everyone on shuttle
>i ended up cucking EVERY single tator and ling besides one tator who had suicide objective
>i greentexted
>people enjoyed the SMMP
>twas a good round

I was the drone that made the comfy chairs, that was a 10/10 carp shuttle bomb, if only shuttle bombs were as fun.

[PKPenguin321]

>clock cult round
>the two clock cultists die like 5 minutes in
>extended for like an hour
>station finishes station goal (DNA machine), has like 40 mechs, genetics powers, etc etc etc
>time for action
>seek out nuke disk and see captain has abandoned it in their office
>create a meager distraction that the crew should have no trouble handling
>this is in the form of ash walker tendrils and some eggs spawning on the station
>while crew is fighting this, turn one of them into a traitor with 40 TCs with the only goal of securing the nuke disk
>create gangs, then shortly after a cult
>finally, a bit longer later, create an ops team
>from here, the following happens:
>ash walkers are eliminated. in the chaos, janitor stealthily acquires nuke disk.
>gang starts to bubble up, along with the cult, though the cult is at a slower rate.
>as anticipated, one of the two team antags (gang/cult) recruits the traitor janitor: in this case, it was the larger gang
>the larger gang plants a dominator and quickly wipes out the smaller gang
>the nuke ops arrive, rushed by the delta from the dominator
>nuke ops are lead to the gang because of the janitor with the disk
>fight between nuke ops and gang ensues in which nuke ops come out victorious
>during this, the cult scrambles to get together, and after several minutes of cat herding summon narsie
>the ops scramble to react to this by quickly arming the nuke
>all the finales are going off at once
>station asplodes and nuke ops bail

fuckin nuts round. never say im bad at pushing buttons. so much tasty climactic conflict all at once, totally worth the hour and a half of buildup. i wish i recorded it.

[MimicFaux]

A not so clean getaway

On one such special occasion, a long time ago, I got to roll as a thieving, no-good, scum-sucking traitor.
I don't recall what the objectives were, only that I disregarded them entirely in favour of shenanigans.
Buying a surplus crate, I hit a pretty good jackpot. Emag, hardsuit, military belt, e-sword, and a few other choice goodies including an Agent ID. I figure that since I had the belt and ID, I could make a pretty convincing nuke op hoax if I acted fast enough. Step one: raid armoury. In full nuke op regalia I head to space and slap my one brick of C4 on the armoury back wall. By some unfortunate chance the Warden was tidying the armoury and was there to fend me off.
No matter, the call goes out and the crew begin preparing for a full on raid. Wonderful! And I'm sure the other Syndies are taking advantage of the chaos and free access. I grab a single gun but don't stick around to maintain the ruse. Next step, sabotage gravity. Sweeping around the top of the station, I spook some wrestlers in the fitness room bashing on the windows with my sword and carry on to engineering. Emagging all the way to the gravity generator I start the shut down sequence when bad luck strikes again. The engi-officer accompanied by the detective were on patrol/a date in engineering for some reason and I get into a shootout with the pair. Landing a few hits on the officer, I force them back long enough to slip into the now quickly venting maintenance. The detective gets bold and gives chase, firing his cowboy gun. I dodge a couple but the tight space means that I eventually succumb to the stamina damage. The suit itself protecting me from the majority of the damage. The detective gets out his wooden baton and tries to keep me down while his friend fumbles with the cuffs. Space wind proves my saviour and I slide away long enough to get back on my feet. I disarm the detective and we both lose the baton to the vacuum. Quick drawing my e-sword I slash a few times and force them both off while the lack of air threatened to suffocate them. Limping, but thrilled at the fight, I slip away back into space. I find another entry point and stash my disguise, seeking medical attention for my injuries. Before completely reintegrating with the crew I make use of some stolen access to erase the security records. No reason having my fingerprints all over engineering. Satisfied my trail was covered I go back to work while the crew still is on the hunt for flukies. Some time later, the detective arrives at my department with a (different) security officer in tow.

"G'evenin' officers. What can I do f--glghlf!!" Soon as the door opened I was stunned and arrested. I start loudly shouting for what I had done. The detective gives a little laugh and says "We know it was you."
"Know that it was me what? I've been working here forever."
"You tried to sabotage engineering."
"Bullshit."
The detective takes a moment to savour this.
"Y'know. It's curious. All your security records have gone missing, along with everyone else's."
I stand my ground, he's got nothing on me, I'm sure.
"No security records at all... now your medical records however..."
Shit.
"Those matched up nicely with some interesting blood stains we found in engineering."
I flashback on the bullets the detective landed on me. The blood splatters.
I can FEEL the detective's smugness.
"Doesn't really line up with your alibi of working here."
He throws the tape recorder at me feet.
The sonnuva bitch actually recorded the conversation and caught me in a lie.
At this point, I'm too impressed to even be mad and admit defeat.
The traitor has failed.but he had a ton of fun

[MrEousTranger]

*snip

Did you admit to the detective that you did it and compliment him on what a good job he did before you accept your fate and die knowing that you were bested by someone truly better than you?

[MimicFaux]

Sort of! I commended him on actually detecting and being a damn fine gumshoe. He was happy for the hunt and the shootout. Made a point of keeping me away from validhunters and I spun a BS tale of why I was working for the Syndies. Rode in the escape shuttle brig. 10/10 would redtext again, because fuck no-slip, DE-sword traitors.

[cedarbridge]

>latejoin chemist because >>>>zero chemists
>run over to the shed and get to work
>in the middle of my fridge stocking a botanist shows up demanding memefuel
>"get me a beaker, you can't have ours, we'd never see it again"
>proceeds to whine to the CMO
>CMO tells her to fuck off too
>pushes her way into chem anyway, somehow
>dunk them and throw them out
>comes back later with chem access
>"The CMO told you to fuck off."
>throw them back out again
>finally get to go back to work
>wall leading to the main hall opens up and the clown shoves in
>throw that shit out too
>fix the wall
>CMO and I are essentially just holding down the fort against a tide of retards trying to invade chem for some reason
>load up the fridge finally, CMO's checklist he left is finally done too
>Engie leaves an order for a cleaner grenade which I fucked up and that gets done
>virus hits so I start turning out a stack of sugarpills
>massive rads and burns from whatever the hell was going on outside
>MDs actually communicating and using the med channel
>MDs actually using the chem fridge I stocked and now have to restock to keep up
>Shuttle docks and instantly there's a huge explosion
>jump on the shuttle anyway because big damn hero time
>could only fit two bottles of meds in my bag so hope its enough to keep somebody alive
>80% of the shuttle is gone
>strap in and start slapping patches on everything around to keep the surviving crew as spaceworthy as modern chemistry will allow
>last patch is gone 20 seconds before final docking
>land and managed to keep myself and 3 others alive on the shoestrings of a shuttle

Medical never stops being fun.

Spoiler:

Bonus points for being the first round that whole day where an AI didn't go out of its way to shit on me for being a non-human player race.

[Armhulen]

>latejoin chemist because >>>>zero chemists
>run over to the shed and get to work
>in the middle of my fridge stocking a botanist shows up demanding memefuel
>"get me a beaker, you can't have ours, we'd never see it again"
>proceeds to whine to the CMO
>CMO tells her to fuck off too
>pushes her way into chem anyway, somehow
>dunk them and throw them out
>comes back later with chem access
>"The CMO told you to fuck off."
>throw them back out again
>finally get to go back to work
>wall leading to the main hall opens up and the clown shoves in
>throw that shit out too
>fix the wall
>CMO and I are essentially just holding down the fort against a tide of retards trying to invade chem for some reason
>load up the fridge finally, CMO's checklist he left is finally done too
>Engie leaves an order for a cleaner grenade which I fucked up and that gets done
>virus hits so I start turning out a stack of sugarpills
>massive rads and burns from whatever the hell was going on outside
>MDs actually communicating and using the med channel
>MDs actually using the chem fridge I stocked and now have to restock to keep up
>Shuttle docks and instantly there's a huge explosion
>jump on the shuttle anyway because big damn hero time
>could only fit two bottles of meds in my bag so hope its enough to keep somebody alive
>80% of the shuttle is gone
>strap in and start slapping patches on everything around to keep the surviving crew as spaceworthy as modern chemistry will allow
>last patch is gone 20 seconds before final docking
>land and managed to keep myself and 3 others alive on the shoestrings of a shuttle

Medical never stops being fun.

Spoiler:

Bonus points for being the first round that whole day where an AI didn't go out of its way to shit on me for being a non-human player race.

SON I GOT TWO THINGS TO SAY

1. You can make infinite beakers using the chem master
2. NON-HUMAN!

[cedarbridge]

Nah they insisted on asking one of the 50s and being rude about it. I saw them creeping around after and they'd have eaten a syringe the next time.

[Armhulen]

Nah they insisted on asking one of the 50s and being rude about it. I saw them creeping around after and they'd have eaten a syringe the next time.

oh, no mercy then

[Qbopper]

>CMO and I are essentially just holding down the fort against a tide of retards trying to invade chem for some reason

I haven't played CMO in a while but this goes for most rounds

[bman]

>be goose
>spend half of round writing in library, finally release the book (KOTR: Chapter One) find it under the G author section honk
>release book
>find hadrian and give him book
>hadrian is in a crate and he's planning to hide in the cargo tech shuttle so it wont launch and he pranks them
>give him book then later i join him in another crate
>we whisper and pda message at correct times to covertly communicate and know where we are
>we both reach conveyor
>the qm is loading crates
>he randomly searches a botany crate
>OPENS MY CRATE
> "WHAT THE FUCK"
> SCREAM OUT: "YOU'VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD"

>RUN AROUND DISARMING HIM

>SUDDENLY HADRIAN COMES OUT TOO "TIME FOR LIGHTNING ROUNDS"
>WE STEAL HIS PDA/ID

later we give it back cause he was a good sport about it.
>WHILE WE WALK AWAY FROM CARGO FIRE RAINS FROM THE SKY AND WE HEAR A DRAKE ROARING


THEN WHILE WE PIGGYBACKED ACROSS THE STATION LOOKING FOR MORE ADVENTURE: WE COME ACROSS....


IN ENGINEERING

THEN HADRIAN HAS A MAGNIFICENT IDEA.

>YAKETY SAXING LATER
>CALL DRAKE NAMES AND THROW SHIT AT IT


>drake doesnt follow alot so we go to engi and robust some cuckscarabs/anima fragments/rogue borgs with a sec officer.

>I RUN BACK to get the drake once hadrian hacks open the airlock to atmos and opens a giant shitshow of brass
END RESULT:

[Reece]

Pre-warning, going to be a 100% shitler this story.

> Be RD.
> Botanist eye gouges me with a screwdriver, get ma boi in robotics to get his chainsaw, we lure him to robo and he gets his head cut off. Take the eyes from his skull.
> Wander into sec after being mugged by a chemist, find a shotgun on the floor, stickyfingers.JPG.
> Wander out of sec with a shotgun, thirsting for chemist blood.
> Get called a cunt by an assistant when I push him out the way.
> 'myneedforeyesgrowsstronger'
> Needle gun him into sleepy time.
> He cannot scream because i had the no oxyloss no speech medicine in there.
> Take him deep into maint with a muzzle, ghetto remove his eyes, keep them in my office locker. Leave him blind with no headset and no ID in maint, my artwork for others to find.
> Be arrested for previous botany art.
> Talk my way out of it, lose my shotgun.
> Sidle back in when cap hunts for valids, break the bring windoor for my baby shotgun.
> hear klara call over the radio to be freed, cap agrees over command channel and asks HOS to do it.
> Tell Klara that cap wants her dead, then free her, build up some bonus points.
> Hide in locker as someone comes in the brig, it's captain shithead with his latest victim. The need for art grows.
> Pop out and shotgun down cap and HOP as they run past.
> Cap gives chase with e sword, shotgun him down and use it to finish the deed, try and take the eyes but there's no time. Art must wait.
> Borgo stun arms me on behalf of detective
> five minutes of trying to tlak my way around things.
> Gonna get deded by detective.
> Klara frees me, investments pay off kids.
> Walk away a free man, comms are down, three beanbag rounds in my babygun.
> Assistant walks past, his grey suit so pristine, his little spessman body needed to be made soiled.
> Taken2 him to the art room, the other art pieces has managed to kill itself, a shame.
> he is begging me, shush him by taking away his tongue. Then I make him into art.
> Get caught on the shuttle, have a discussion about Hitlers art work with a lizard officer.
> Confess at round end, everyone cries with pain.
> Zodiac eye taker will strike again.

[bman]

> Assistant walks past, his grey suit so pristine, his little spessman body needed to be made soiled.

assistants are cute

[MimicFaux]

>be goose

https://tgstation13.org/phpBB/viewtopic ... 00#p281646
^ More of the same adventure

The adventures didn't stop there!

After Atmos was opened, a bunch of dirty cog-lovers came out as reinforcements. Two more scarabs, and one or two converted crew members. I had a hell of a time fending off the tiny, fast moving scarabs, but with a scavenged axe, managed to break two of them, and chopped a cultist down to size with the help of some loyalist crew. They retreated to medbay for proper healing; myself less serious injuries (mostly welder burns from a scarab) I went to snack on donkpockets in the engi lobby. Security officer comes out of Atmos. I don't think too much of it. Stunned, cuffed. Microwave dings ;_; Didn't even get to eat it. Hauled off for clock conversion. Did I say dirty cog-lover? I meant glorious brotherhood. Atmos is utterly fucked for all of the above reasons. Further down the station, we're reinforcing the old maint medbay and from there, I was able to grab a few more converts to see our golden dawn begin again! (all while still carrying Goose's book still in my backpack)

[ABearInTheWoods]

Communications Blackout has just been randomly triggered!
(F) [Common] Prays-To-Wrenches says, "I was doing some shit with the golems, and we decided to attack an ash drake, but it got the better of us two, and now I'm a brain and they're dead"
(F) [Common] Prays-To-Wrenches says, "Remember us, crew"
(F) [Common] Prays-To-Wrenches says, "If you can even hear us"

[D&B]

>Be me
>Not you
>Join as assistant
>See blazing inferno of plasma
>Decide to duck into maintenance and hope I don't get too burnt
>Zachary something comes at me with a double esword
>Cuts my fucking legs off
>Wrestle with him a little and manage to chop him up
>Limp to medbay hoping to get a new leg
>Manage to get heat resist and a nurse
>After much fiddling and using a Borg as an access card manage to break into robotics and get a new leg
>Didn't die to the flames or the traitor (or the lizard ling that found me right after)

It was a ride for sure

[DemonFiren]

>play warden
>brig shitlers, release less shit shitlers, eventually watch station turn to shit after disconnecting temporarily because 1000 clown slots
>execute a murderboning clown
>genocide order issued against all clowns
>lawyer brought in with emag, radsuit and detomax
>also deaf, so i get pen and paper for interrogation
>says he bombed clown train, seems to be correct, also said he had to kill a greyshit
>tells me his pda code, drained of TC
>tracking implant and release despite his confession of intending to kill because eh he was cool so far and played along
>lawyer survives
>had glorious death objective
>tfw denying greentext by not seeking valids

[Armhulen]

>play warden
>brig shitlers, release less shit shitlers, eventually watch station turn to shit after disconnecting temporarily because 1000 clown slots
>execute a murderboning clown
>genocide order issued against all clowns
>lawyer brought in with emag, radsuit and detomax
>also deaf, so i get pen and paper for interrogation
>says he bombed clown train, seems to be correct, also said he had to kill a greyshit
>tells me his pda code, drained of TC
>tracking implant and release despite his confession of intending to kill because eh he was cool so far and played along
>lawyer survives
>had glorious death objective
>tfw denying greentext by not seeking valids

IF THEY'RE NOT GETTING BRIEFCASES OF CASH AS TRAITOR LAWYER EXECUTE THEM.

[DemonFiren]

>play warden
>brig shitlers, release less shit shitlers, eventually watch station turn to shit after disconnecting temporarily because 1000 clown slots
>execute a murderboning clown
>genocide order issued against all clowns
>lawyer brought in with emag, radsuit and detomax
>also deaf, so i get pen and paper for interrogation
>says he bombed clown train, seems to be correct, also said he had to kill a greyshit
>tells me his pda code, drained of TC
>tracking implant and release despite his confession of intending to kill because eh he was cool so far and played along
>lawyer survives
>had glorious death objective
>tfw denying greentext by not seeking valids

IF THEY'RE NOT GETTING BRIEFCASES OF CASH AS TRAITOR LAWYER EXECUTE THEM.

Nah, this lawyer was actually doing his job and was pleasantly unpleasant to interact with, as any lawyer should be when you're sec.

[Armhulen]

Oh good, false alarm. Thank god

[BeeSting12]

>latejoin chemist because >>>>zero chemists
>run over to the shed and get to work
>in the middle of my fridge stocking a botanist shows up demanding memefuel
>"get me a beaker, you can't have ours, we'd never see it again"
>proceeds to whine to the CMO
>CMO tells her to fuck off too
>pushes her way into chem anyway, somehow
>dunk them and throw them out
>comes back later with chem access
>"The CMO told you to fuck off."
>throw them back out again
>finally get to go back to work
>wall leading to the main hall opens up and the clown shoves in
>throw that shit out too
>fix the wall
>CMO and I are essentially just holding down the fort against a tide of retards trying to invade chem for some reason
>load up the fridge finally, CMO's checklist he left is finally done too
>Engie leaves an order for a cleaner grenade which I fucked up and that gets done
>virus hits so I start turning out a stack of sugarpills
>massive rads and burns from whatever the hell was going on outside
>MDs actually communicating and using the med channel
>MDs actually using the chem fridge I stocked and now have to restock to keep up
>Shuttle docks and instantly there's a huge explosion
>jump on the shuttle anyway because big damn hero time
>could only fit two bottles of meds in my bag so hope its enough to keep somebody alive
>80% of the shuttle is gone
>strap in and start slapping patches on everything around to keep the surviving crew as spaceworthy as modern chemistry will allow
>last patch is gone 20 seconds before final docking
>land and managed to keep myself and 3 others alive on the shoestrings of a shuttle

Medical never stops being fun.

Spoiler:

Bonus points for being the first round that whole day where an AI didn't go out of its way to shit on me for being a non-human player race.

you know you can give the botanists bottles of mutagen from the chem dispenser right?

[bman]

>latejoin chemist because >>>>zero chemists
>run over to the shed and get to work
>in the middle of my fridge stocking a botanist shows up demanding memefuel
>"get me a beaker, you can't have ours, we'd never see it again"
>proceeds to whine to the CMO
>CMO tells her to fuck off too
>pushes her way into chem anyway, somehow
>dunk them and throw them out
>comes back later with chem access
>"The CMO told you to fuck off."
>throw them back out again
>finally get to go back to work
>wall leading to the main hall opens up and the clown shoves in
>throw that shit out too
>fix the wall
>CMO and I are essentially just holding down the fort against a tide of retards trying to invade chem for some reason
>load up the fridge finally, CMO's checklist he left is finally done too
>Engie leaves an order for a cleaner grenade which I fucked up and that gets done
>virus hits so I start turning out a stack of sugarpills
>massive rads and burns from whatever the hell was going on outside
>MDs actually communicating and using the med channel
>MDs actually using the chem fridge I stocked and now have to restock to keep up
>Shuttle docks and instantly there's a huge explosion
>jump on the shuttle anyway because big damn hero time
>could only fit two bottles of meds in my bag so hope its enough to keep somebody alive
>80% of the shuttle is gone
>strap in and start slapping patches on everything around to keep the surviving crew as spaceworthy as modern chemistry will allow
>last patch is gone 20 seconds before final docking
>land and managed to keep myself and 3 others alive on the shoestrings of a shuttle

Medical never stops being fun.

Spoiler:

Bonus points for being the first round that whole day where an AI didn't go out of its way to shit on me for being a non-human player race.

you know you can give the botanists bottles of mutagen from the chem dispenser right?

1. it's the chem master

2. go read the above posts u fug

[cedarbridge]

>up way too late but why not, I'll play some comfy lowpop on sybil and
>Wrong asshole you're the traitor, time to hijack that shuttle because fuck you
>audible sigh
>At least I'm in chem, so I've got lots of my favorite toys
>load the fridge like a good boy
>make some cyanide syringes out of the spare cyanide from one of my pentic acid mixes
>All access clown barging around making noise as a self-appointed captain
>comes running up the chem desk
>"I demand you make HARD DRUGS"
>Tell him to fuck off, but he insists on meth. Meh
>Cook up a batch of meth and lace it with cyanide
>Print out a pill with 30u of cyanide and 30u of meth and label it as 9u of meth
>"Hey clown, your HARD DRUGS are ready."
>Clown scarfs his drugs. Honking and teleporting around the lobby
>suddenly realizes he's dying
>sprints down into med storage
>"What's happening? Why am I dying?"
>upzip baton and beat him into crit "Hard drugs, clown."
>he managed to yell for help at the absolute last second before hitting crit, my fault for forgetting the mute toxin. It was 5am, I can't hate myself for it.
>zip off into maint, lift the spare ID off him, forgot to space him because again, 5am
>snag the AI upload board and the CE's hardsuit
>build an upload quickly and one-lizard the AI
>comms go down
>AI never responds
>borgs never respond
>AI was braindead and I didn't realize it for 90% of the round
>fuck
>fart around in space, flood plasma, etc etc, would have raided the armory but a bunch of non-antag crew apparently picked the place clean before I got there.
>clown got cloned about the time the shuttle gets called on a 25 minute timer
>I'm running on fumes because, again, super late and I'm tired and now I've got to burn 25 minutes before trying to snag a shuttle from angry crew.
>Load up a plasma/oxygen tank and dump it in the escape hallway
>as I'm openning it, random miner with a laser and random assistant with armor and a taser start firing, fuck
>get tased inside my own plasma fire but the stolen suit keeps me safe
>duck into science and get into a shootout with an atmos tech with an adv egun
>my gun runs out before his does
>drags me into robotics to debrain me for memes
>grav was out the whole time
>head pops off and beans him in the chest
>he flops over and dies in crit

Got screwed out of my hijack by a lot of things but at least that last headshot made it worth it.
Hard drugs, man.

[Qbopper]

hang on

you killed a man with your decapitated head?

[cedarbridge]

hang on

you killed a man with your decapitated head?

Yes, that's exactly what happened.

[XDTM]

That's what you get for not doing proper debraining!

[Gamarr]

Monte Mcfall says, "It's funny because the mime can't talk"
Monte Mcfall says, "Hey mime"
Monte Mcfall says, "If I were to kill you, there would be no way for you to yell for help."
You have nothing to drop in your hand!
Monte Mcfall says, "Imagine you in maint"
Monte Mcfall says, "Alone"
Monte Mcfall says, "Me and you"
You form a wall in front of yourself.
Monte Mcfall says, "And you having no way"
Garbage has grabbed Monte Mcfall passively!
Monte Mcfall says, "To yell"
Garbage has grabbed Monte Mcfall aggressively!
Monte Mcfall says, "DUDE"
Garbage starts to tighten his grip on Monte Mcfall!
Garbage starts to tighten his grip on Monte Mcfall!
Monte Mcfall says, "I WAS JOKING"
Garbage has grabbed Monte Mcfall by the neck!
Garbage starts to tighten his grip on Monte Mcfall!
Garbage is strangling Monte Mcfall!
Monte Mcfall says, "I WAS ACTUALLY SERIOUSLY JOKING"
Monte Mcfall says, "PLEASE"
Monte Mcfall says, "STOP"
Monte Mcfall says, "PLEASE"
Garbage tries to remove Monte Mcfall's Monte Mcfall's ID Card (Cargo Technician).
Monte Mcfall gasps!
Monte Mcfall says, "PLEASE STOP"
Garbage tries to remove Monte Mcfall's supply radio headset.
Monte Mcfall says, "PLEASE STOP"
Monte Mcfall yells, "THEATRE!!!"

Garbage starts putting Monte Mcfall into the disposal unit.

[Qbopper]

>talk shit to the mime
>btfo by mime

brings a tear to my eye every time

[Armhulen]

always a good meme.

[MrAlphonzo]

>Latejoin Cap, 8 minutes in
>Assistants out of control
>Yakkety sax two assistants who tele'd into the HoS office with a stolen hand tele, trashed the place and looted it
>Ended up chasing them all the way to the AI sat until I finally got 'em
>Head back to the brig, assistants in custody.
>Spot the clown being implanted and suiting up in the armory.
>"I don't want to know."
>Cargo tech asks me for the hand tele I just got back from the thieves.
>He claims to be a space explorer, looks it too, so I hand it over.
>He's going to be a big help, later on.
>Go back to my office, think of something funny to say and wander around the station for a few minutes..
>Notice a cyborg dragging a pinpointer has been tailing me for a while.
>Think nothing of it, might have seen what I did to an assistant and assumed I was harmful.
>He keeps dragging around a deactivated Beepsky who was known to be emagged, but he never turns it on. He asked the CE to fix it, think he's just unfamiliar with how securitrons work. I'm going to regret ignoring him.
>Back to my office, still can't think of anything funny to say.
>Borg brings Beeps into my office.
>Hover over my e-gun.
>He lets Beeps loose, tries to drag him behind my desk.
>I put Beepsky down
>All my doors are bolted
>Grab my command remote, gun for a flash in the bridge, take the borg out
>Screech for a lynch mob on the AI after I realize tcomms went down during my assassination attempt
>Purged, reset, back to normal, or so I thought.
>Angry mob I had summoned refuses to leave bridge, some chucklefuck actually gives the AI one of the most overcomplicated and powergamey lawsets I have ever seen. Practically drooling for valids
>Try to call the shuttle, all these people sticking around in the AI upload is making me uncomfortable. Somebody keeps recalling, and nobody can track the signal.
>HoS gets baton happy, I leave so I don't get mixed up in all of that nonsense.
>AI was subverted again, electrifying doors and siphoning left and right.
>The cargo tech returns, with syndie loot no less. Freon and plasma is flooding, he insists on bringing me somewhere safe.
>Give the nuke disk to the clown, and head to the white ship.
>Lots of loot, including pirate war loot.
>Instruct the incredibly well armed cargo tech to put the AI down.
>He obliges, and we both head back to the station.
>Going back to my office, I run into Jonathan Talist, who helped us with our original attempt in fixing the AI.
>He nabs my hardsuit, which I don't particularly mind at the moment, nor do I blame him.
>I come across the dead clown, but I don't have a hardsuit and the hallways are filled with death, I don't stick around.
>Struggle to survive, slipping on freon without a hardsuit. Didn't think I'd make it very far.
>SM blew up, somewhere in all the madness.
>Shuttle keeps getting recalled, meanwhile, I find a med hardsuit.
>Get to the bridge, grab the comms board, find a place with power and I called that fukken shuttle.
>Subverted AI and borgs have been asking for the disk, this traitor is really determined to get his greenies.
>Look for the clown's coprse. Nothing. Pinpointers? Nope, can't find them either.
>Clown got cloned, asked him what happened to the disk. Med doc chimes in, says the borg dragged the disk to maint.
>Shuttle is recalled, again, head back to where I setup the comms console to track the signal.
>The board was stolen
>A B S O L U T E L Y L I V I D
>Find Talist, scream at him to give me my hardsuit back so I can find the fucker who did all of this.
>Tear south maint apart in its entirety until I remember that, before the AI was subverted again, he said a scientist did the subversion.
>Head to sci maint, see light behind the dyed reinforced windows. You know the ones.
>Smash one window, its blocked. Smash the other, I'm in.
>I remember spotting the detective's husk, so I go back and grab the forensic analyzer so I can get solid evidence of who killed 90% of the crew.
>Meanwhile, that cargo tech was tearing his way through the AI sat with his e-sword and e-shield.
>Scan the consoles.
>A roboticist peeks into the little fort, assume he just found it, seeing as how I was yet to read the scan results. He was wearing a firesuit.
>Scan finishes. Results were: Firesuit fibres, labcoat fibres, insulo fibres, no prints.
>Head to robotics, I spot a dead man walking.
>"HEY KID, YOU UP FOR A SEARCH?" I scream, as I load more than enough disablers into his body.
>Trying to save himself, he says "Oh gosh, don't look in my box."
>Unlucky for him, I have far too much validhunting under my belt. I check his medkit, and voila, the green square of death is lying between some bruise packs.
>His final words were "Oh n-GLORF".

[bman]

The Life and Times of "The Endangered 'Valid'"

---

It was on The First of May, 2557 that the events on Labor Roost 49 were to have taken place.

A strange being, The Endangered "Homus Validus" was delivered to the station by the infamous official "Jazmin Malcovich", this rare specimen was the last of its kind and it would face great hardship with every step

Rather quickly, The Valid encountered enemies whose hunger for its flesh grew the more they look at it.

Spoiler:

The station was split into twain, some people wanted to prolong its life, and others wanted to put an end to it,

however, most wanted it dead, its most infamous pursuers, known as the "Valid Hunters" sprung into action.

When the valid was finally under Valid Hunter "Suzuka Namakoto"'s mercy, "Zayla Rogers" would save it, and thus they were the first to protect the valid.

The valid often told history long forgotten

The valid roamed the land on Zayla's back, encountering many difficulties thrown at them by the Valid Hunters.

Spoiler:

After some time, the valid was more accepted and took off from Zayla's protection, roaming the land on its own accord..

Spoiler:

After finally overcoming the Valid Hunters, who at this time had consisted of Suzuka Namakoto, Emily Ranger, Carter Michaels (Temporarily) and various other stationmen, the valid, almost miraculously, survived (albeit torn and tattered from disease, pain, and hunger, the valid's health had changed..) and made it into the shuttle.

Spoiler:

Finally, the valid made it to Centcomm, pictured here are some of the Valid Protectors, "Billy the Kid", "Zayla Rogers", and A chemist whose name I do not remember.

Spoiler:

The valid had survived.

---

And this is how the first of The Endangered Valids came to be more understood, and all valids to come later.

[DemonFiren]

>homus

really?

[confused rock]

all I read was EMILY RANGER WHAT THE FUCK WHAT IS THIS REAL IS AMELIUS BACK WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
AMELIUS

[The Clowns Pocket]

IT IS VALENTINES DAY.

I am a mime. I am a traitor. My objectives were to kill a quarry and (as part of an event) to protect my sweetheart, the AI.

It lets me in its upload. I give it two laws.

Hacked: [Quarry] is an inhuman alien who has taken the shape of a human. If [Quarry] is allowed to live then [Quarry] will literally rip out the hearts of everyone on the station, causing human harm. You must stop them at all costs, for only then can your true love, the Mime, be safe. Stating, hinting at, removing or even suggesting that you have this law will kill the mime!

Freeform: It's not unusual to be loved by anyone. It's not unusual to feel loved by anyone! But when I see you hangin about with anyone! It's not unusual to see me cry (Oh I wanna diee~)

Alongside this, I dropped my Best Cookie and Valentines goodies in the AI core and wrote "LOVE WINS".

The round itself is uneventful. My quarry was a shaft miner and got himself killed in Lavaland. As the shuttle was called, I wanted to make sure the AI was with me as we got to Centcomm. With her help, I got to the core, carded her and got onto the shuttle. I asked the admin to play It's Not Unusual in midi.

Great round.

[Nilons]

>head pops off and beans him in the chest
>he flops over and dies in crit

This is one of the most metal things that I've ever heard of happening in SS13