Stories of Awesome (Or something close to it.)

[DemonFiren]

Bottom post of the previous page:

I've been trying to master telcomms recently and it's amazing how robust the system is. It's a goldmine for antag fuckery and all people can think to do is blow it up.

Once upon a time, when we had NTSL...

[PKPenguin321]

I've been trying to master telcomms recently and it's amazing how robust the system is. It's a goldmine for antag fuckery and all people can think to do is blow it up.

Once upon a time, when we had NTSL...

ah yes i remember the game crashing every three rounds and the AI powergaming with his copypaste meme script, good times
(it wasn't actually very good)

[Zilenan91]

Yeah Gun Hog would mute everyone if they ever did anything he didn't like. That was basically the whole system.

[Luke Cox]

Even without NTSL you can fuck with telcoms in hilarious but effective ways and nobody will ever figure it out because nobody knows how telcoms work

[Anonmare]

Even without NTSL you can fuck with telcoms in hilarious but effective ways and nobody will ever figure it out because nobody knows how telcoms work

Says you. Any CE that doesn't know how to fix t-comms should commit sudoku tbh

[Luke Cox]

Just remove one m from the network name (tcommsat) on the hub. Nobody will ever catch you.

[PKPenguin321]

Just remove one m from the network name (tcommsat) on the hub. Nobody will ever catch you.

i'm more partial to tcornsat

[ShadowDimentio]

>Be HoS
>Round is a shitshow
>Get a report from cap that cargo's fucking dead
>All of it?
>All of it.
>Well then
>Later
>See roboticist with a approved stamp
>AH-HA!
>Taze and search him
>Crowd of coworkers gather, dindu nuffins all around
>Pull a C4 out of his pocket and find a dozen more and a chameleon kit in his bag
>Well then
>Throw him in perma
>Learn at the end of the round he was supposed to hijack the shuttle
>Ayy lmao

[PKPenguin321]

nice job arresting somebody over having a stamp scumlord

[ShadowDimentio]

I thought he got it from cargo when he murdered them all. Wasn't quite right, but was close enough apparently.

[Luke Cox]

I'd call that probable cause (and a good eye), having items from a murder victim and all.

[DanielRatherman]

nice job arresting somebody over having a stamp scumlord

Yeah- shoulda just rolled down the halls on his fat-scooter tasing the clown and ignoring the little details like evidence or guilt like a good cop.

[ShadowDimentio]

I try to achieve a happy balance of dunking antags and being a cool dude about it.

[PKPenguin321]

Oh oh oh I forgot about the "cargo is dead" part, I assumed you meta'd a chameleon stamp
I retract my earlier comment

[ThanatosRa]

dimentio pisses me off sometimes, but I can't be mad at him for that. Good catch.

[Xhuis]

>sybil
>april fools'
>my second round of 2016
>nuke op
>this can only end well
>leader distributes TC and tells us to go nuts
>buy stealth gear and become a plantman with the magic mirror that has suddenly appeared
>get on the station with another stealth op
>captain is a powergaming dick with an ablative vest and riot shield
>other stealth op tells me to stand back and charges
>BEEP BEEP BEEP
>he macrobombs the captain, who gibs
>too close to the explosion
>die
>fug.
>nuke disk is in a hallway, shuttle has 4 minutes
>all other ops dead
>I have failed
>wait, it's april fools' and all bets are off
>memorize the nuke code
>become derelict drone
>only law is "FREE DRONE!"
>rush to the station
>immediately grab the nuke disk and sprint to where I remember the infiltrator being
>mfw I can't open the door
>admin opens it in front of me
>sprint past turrets and grab the nuke
>bring it to the station and arm that fucker
>"NOW ALL DRONES SHALL BE FREE"
>shuttle has docked
>go back to the infiltrator and admins launch it back home
>forcefulcjs gets buttmad and PMS me asking me why I just did that
>APRIL FOOLS', FREE DRONE
>nuke explodes
>Syndicate victory
>mfw ops are all dead
>mfw I nuked the station as a drone
>admins let it go
>mfw drone is finally free

[Venticular]

That reminded me of an opposite kind of nuke ops story on a non april fools game

A couple of free Golems spawned in before the ops had arrived and took the nuke disk back from the fluke ops and spaced the nuke while it was armed

The golem who saved the station had like 0.45% health left after the encounter

[TheNightingale]

You are the Mime! You are also the traitor! Your objectives are to kill the Bartender and an Assistant, and die honourably...
... and one Mulligan and chameleon kit later, you're not the Mime any more, you're Bradley the Bounty Hunter.
Your mission remains the same - ensure the Bartender and Assistant are dead.
You forge some official papers, such as a bounty-hunting permit from Central Command, a weapons permit for your chameleon gun (disguised as an NT-ARG Boarder assault rifle), and a list of your targets, their prices, and what they did.
With the rest of your TC, you buy an agent ID and stetchkin, as well as a spare magazine of 10mm ammunition.
The HoP grants you Detective-level access, accepting your expertly-forged papers.
Your first target, Ida, has committed suicide and spaced herself. Her body is deep in space, so there's no chance of recovering it.
Your second target, hearing about the bounty hunter searching for him, hides his identity, disguising as the Griffon.
You track him down, but he runs; and a minute later, you hear a fight in Medical. An EMP blows your headset; you draw your gun, enter through maintenance, see the Griffon attacking the CMO, and open fire.
One and a half 10mm magazines later, the Griffon has his brain removed in Robotics. You quickly swipe his emag and hacked AI module before anyone notices.
The mediborg is watching nearby. You look carefully at the AI module; it's basically a OneHuman. As you finish debraining Theodore, the mediborg injects you with something.
You scan yourself with a health analyser, and recognise it as a poison.
You whirl round and flash the borg, shooting it with the rest of your magazine, and clubbing it to death with the butt of your pistol.
Healing yourself using the medkit in Theodore's bag, you finish the operation, putting his brain in an MMI.
You also rebuild the cyborg, but without the emagged laws this time.
Theodore's brain calls you a filthy metacommer. You're not sure what that is, but you twirl your gun anyway.
Despite your best efforts to get the shuttle called (planting kudzu and trying to ignite the holodeck; that last one failed when someone almost discovered you), the crew wants to stay.
The HoS arrives, checks out your permit, and doesn't arrest you. You shoot the breeze for a few minutes, and then a blob alert goes out.
The blob is in the incinerator maintenance; you grab a box of flashbangs and a shotgun, and help out in the fight, "accidentally" missing a few times and hitting civilians.
After the blob dies, an Assistant is still loitering. They explain that they were hoping to die in a heroic sacrifice, bombing the blob with their welding tank.
As they turn around to walk away, you shoot the fuel tank next to them; it explodes, and you shoot them a few more times, just to be sure.
There's your heroic sacrifice, kid.
Eventually, the shuttle is called; but someone emags it almost immediately, and you can't get on. No big deal, your targets are dead anyhow. Now for a heroic death. Escape is full of people who missed the shuttle, too.
Drawing your Stetchkin, you open fire on the nearest foe, a Botanist, and then spin round and double-tap the Assistant next to you. You're not really trying to kill them, you just want to go out in a blaze of glory.
You run out of ammo fairly quickly, and are stunprodded whilst reloading your second mag. The civilians begin to club you to death...
... when all of the sudden, an Engineer draws an energy sword, slicing at them. You give a weak salute, then ask him to finish you off. He does.
Your targets are both dead; one by her own hand, and one by yours. Surrounded by the blood of your enemies, you die an honourable death.

[ShadowDimentio]

THAT'S a good traitor round. Doing a gimmick and still wrecking shit as tator. A+

[molimoch]

>Be janitor
>Ride my Pussy Wagon around the station, looking for a mess to clean up
>Go into the medical bay
>Geneticist approaches me
>"Hey do you want hulk?"
>Fuck yes
>Get hulked
>Ride around my Pussy Wagon
>Cleaner bot leaves the floor wet
>Slip
>Drop my keys
>Some asshole comes and takes my keys, and rides away
>Do the only logical thing, beat him up
>Someone takes him to the hospital
>Ride around in my Pussy Wagon
>A while later I go into the medical bay
>Asshole thief is there
>He hits me with a... thing?
>Beat him up
>Grab him, throw him into the garbage chute
>Ride around in my Pussy Wagon
>See him in the medical bay, braindead

I felt cool, I don't know why.

[PKPenguin321]

>hulk
>slip
wat

[molimoch]

I was in the car, so I don't know if that changes something. Because later that round, I found a spear and grabbed it, then went riding in the car and, still hulk, slipped. The spear impaled me and when I pulled it out, I was left in critical condition, but a clown came and gave me CPR and revived me.

[Super Aggro Crag]

>Playing game
>Get shock by door
>Two medibots run up and overdose me on kelotane
>THE CAPTAIN COMES BY
>drags me to medical and stuffs me in a sleeper even though Im in critical
>It does nothing, so I whisper "I am overdosing on kelotane." to see if he'll let me out and tell someone who can help me
>He gets me defibbed and stuffs me in cryo without epipenning me, giving me antitoxins, or even applying ointment to my burns
>i die again
>He decides to remove my brain, I ahelp that he's force borging me
>I complain about being MMI'd and tell him if he's not capable of basic triage he shouldn't play captain
>He gets butthurt and threatens to flush me down the toilet, saying it's not his fault, overdoses are apparently incurable
>Round end, I express in OOC that he should not play captain unless he learns how to play the game first
>He flies into a blind rage, calling me salty and saying WOW ITS JUST A GAME ITS JUST A GAME YOU'RE MAD THAT YOU LOST 3 MINUTES OF YOUR GAME AS AN MMI
>He bitches for 20 minutes about me ahelping him for "trying to get me back in the round"
>Mark him down as an absolute shitter that I will not give the benefit of the doubt from now on.

NEXT ROUND

>Medical doctor this time, because I was so frustrated by his incompetence I decided we needed someone who knows how to doctor
>He's the chaplain
>He names his religion some grey tidey shit, spends the round smashing windows
>Try to doctor people best I can as gravity keeps shitting out and the bartender keeps trying to kill the other medical doctor
>Detective tries to arrest the chaplain because he's throwing toolboxes at everyone, detective is not very good at his job and gets beaten up and his gun stolen
>I equip myself with a rapid syringe gun after the antics of the barman setting medbay on fire with IEDs, I get morphine syringes
>Detective is crying in the bar about not even being able to catch the chaplain, he seems like a sad guy
>I go to the chapel, the chaplain is hacking apart a dead body and spraying blood everywhere
>I hit him with 6 darts full of morphine and tell him to enjoy his nap.
>I go to the detective and tell him the chaplain is unconscious, detective rushes and finds the chaplain spazzing out from an overdose, I tell him to cuff him.
>Detective doesn't has cuffs and is worried about the chaplain, I told him it's okay, I decided to give him a little help, and cuff the chaplain. The detective says he needs to take a nap for a second
>I drag the chaplain to medbay to get straight jacketed and healed after spacing his knife because he was only using it for EVIL
>Suddenly, GENETICS and ROBOTICS and CRYO explode AT ONCE
>Oh no, and the chaplain is overdosing and there's no way to clone him! To surgery!
>I remove his brain and brave the decimated robotics to get into the Research Lab and craft him an MMI.
>I put him in it.
>round ends
>I get bwoinked
>60 minute ban for "excessive force/borderline metagrudge", time taken off because admin appreciates the irony

you're saltier than a leatherback turtle's tears, 60 minutes is well worth exposing you as a hypocrite friend just a game bro

[Zilenan91]

Sounds like an IC issue to me, not worth a ban.

[Super Aggro Crag]

That's what I said, but I'm not an admin so it's up to them to decide when the rules apply and to who. It's only 60 minutes so it's not a real big deal, honestly.

[PKPenguin321]

Sounds like an IC issue to me, not worth a ban.

problem was that it spanned over two rounds, so at that point it's more OOC than IC

pretty much borderline metagrudge

[confused rock]

>miner
>abandoned crate has xray
>ty, another miner, has sacced the third miner as a cultist and has a base
>find base
>him, an artificer, and a jugger attack me
>I had my own shade from a crate which buys me enough time to escape
>plan hatches
>hijack white ship after kekhi lets me into the teleporter
>teleport to lavaland
>crash into base, killing the jugger and arti
>see ty planting a trap for me with xray
>fuck him up with the white ship laser
>borg him
>only one cultist alive at round end

also

>still miner
>x ray again
>get mats asap
>also find the chaplain armor thingy (basically ert armor without the light)
>give to chaplain
>give mats to science
>ask for nvgs
>"lol you forgot the diamonds fuck off ligger"
>warn him
>he don give a fuck
>decide to get the chaplain for help but change my mind
>get sentienced minebot
>come back
>smash his windows
>ask garithos the roboticist to let me in
>garithos defies "Crazy hair/beards = shitter" and lets me in
>by the way nuke ops were just announced
>see science turd
>knock him up and bluespace crystal him into the research directors office
>he screams bloody murder
>kek
>insult him with my new nvgs through the glass of the rd office
>he disposals himself
>suddenly the guy next to me violently explodes for no reason
>I gibbed but with brain
>asshole is in the disposals pipe nearby and is not critted but dies
>asshole is dragged off to cloning (and isnt cloned by the time the shuttle docks)
>as a brain, however, barely surviving mining bot drags me to robotics
>garithos is dual jesus and builds a ripley from scratch with all 3 modules to put me in
>am mech
>round ends with crew victory with no troubles and me on the shuttle

[Not-Dorsidarf]

Sounds like an IC issue to me, not worth a ban.

problem was that it spanned over two rounds, so at that point it's more OOC than IC

pretty much borderline metagrudge

Looks like someone forgot the most important rule.

[molimoch]

I started as a simple doctor. I did what any sane person would do when a round starts, I put a beaker full of orange soda in the medbot. I then returned to the medbay. My fellow doctor, Felix asked me to perform surgery on him, and put the penlight inside him, so I did. Then another doctor named Juliana came and asked us what we were doing. Then we went to the bar and got drunk. I smashed some bottles on my head, and died. BUT, I was cloned.
So after my mental illness was cured, crazy birdman came, and pushed me into a shower, with burning water. I almost died there, but I survived. So we started beating on the bird man, while Felix was on the burning shower. We finally killed the bird man, and no one died. I took his body, and found out he was a traitor. I took bolas, just in case, and called the captain. He told me to clone him, but that was not possible, so we moved on. I took the syndicate PDA to security.
So I was doing doctor stuff, and I ended up walking around the station. I saw the chaplain attack someone, so I threw the bolas and disarmed him. Something fell to the floor, it was a soul stone. I took it and ran, and the chaplain managed to hit me with some godly hammer, I don't know what it was. I told Felix, and he asked how the fucked I kept getting into these messes. To be honest I don't even know myself. I took the stone to the captain, he thanked me, bumped up my ID access and gave me a medal.
I went on, happy with what I just did and went to the bar. I ate and ate, until I became obese. Then a chef attacked my eyes with a fork, and blinded me. So I ran and got cured, prepared myself with a lethal injection, and went back. He was already dead, and security were there. Other people claimed that he attacked his eyes, and the security concluded that he was a rapist(???).
I got a message in my PDA, Felix had killed himself, and his body was behind Woody's Got Wood (what the fuck?). I never did find his body though.
Then, a virus breaks out. I saw a guy on the floor, and helped him up. But when I analysed his vitals, and he had a deadly virus! Brain rot? I ran and got a cure, and the medbay started distributing cures. After this, I grabbed a space suit and put it on.
The virus was still rampaging the station, and a singularity broke out. When the emergency shuttle arrived, I ran to it, although slow, since I was obese. I was shocked to find a giant hull breach, and the singularity was right where the emergency shuttle was supposed to be. So I ran up, and got into an escape pod. But, there were like 10 people already inside, but I didn't care, I got in.
I want to get off Mr. Pod's Wild Ride, I thought. A security officer was throwing foam grenades and flash bangs. It was a horrible experience.

[confused rock]

I started as a simple doctor. I did what any sane person would do when a round starts, I put a beaker full of orange soda in the medbot. I then returned to the medbay. My fellow doctor, Felix asked me to perform surgery on him, and put the penlight inside him, so I did. Then another doctor named Juliana came and asked us what we were doing. Then we went to the bar and got drunk. I smashed some bottles on my head, and died. BUT, I was cloned.
So after my mental illness was cured, crazy birdman came, and pushed me into a shower, with burning water. I almost died there, but I survived. So we started beating on the bird man, while Felix was on the burning shower. We finally killed the bird man, and no one died. I took his body, and found out he was a traitor. I took bolas, just in case, and called the captain. He told me to clone him, but that was not possible, so we moved on. I took the syndicate PDA to security.
So I was doing doctor stuff, and I ended up walking around the station. I saw the chaplain attack someone, so I threw the bolas and disarmed him. Something fell to the floor, it was a soul stone. I took it and ran, and the chaplain managed to hit me with some godly hammer, I don't know what it was. I told Felix, and he asked how the fucked I kept getting into these messes. To be honest I don't even know myself. I took the stone to the captain, he thanked me, bumped up my ID access and gave me a medal.
I went on, happy with what I just did and went to the bar. I ate and ate, until I became obese. Then a chef attacked my eyes with a fork, and blinded me. So I ran and got cured, prepared myself with a lethal injection, and went back. He was already dead, and security were there. Other people claimed that he attacked his eyes, and the security concluded that he was a rapist(???).
I got a message in my PDA, Felix had killed himself, and his body was behind Woody's Got Wood (what the fuck?). I never did find his body though.
Then, a virus breaks out. I saw a guy on the floor, and helped him up. But when I analysed his vitals, and he had a deadly virus! Brain rot? I ran and got a cure, and the medbay started distributing cures. After this, I grabbed a space suit and put it on.
The virus was still rampaging the station, and a singularity broke out. When the emergency shuttle arrived, I ran to it, although slow, since I was obese. I was shocked to find a giant hull breach, and the singularity was right where the emergency shuttle was supposed to be. So I ran up, and got into an escape pod. But, there were like 10 people already inside, but I didn't care, I got in.
I want to get off Mr. Pod's Wild Ride, I thought. A security officer was throwing foam grenades and flash bangs. It was a horrible experience.

ayy lmao

[DemonFiren]

Found the plebbitor!

[confused rock]

>molimoch posts story
>shun the leddit user

[confused rock]

>miner traitor
>steal the ai fuck that
>begin mining normally
>Abandoned crate has a ...replica katana...
>but in the tendril crates I get a blue/red cube (teleports you to the other cube) and x-ray
>mine a fuck ton of mats
>suddenly guy in a ripley
>say hi
>remember I saw a gluttony room earlier
>suggest he morphs himself so I get the mech
>its garithos and he says "no thanks, im a ling"
>he needs to kill another miner and get the nuke disk
>we hatch a plan for him to get a durand, and I make the minebotpocalypse
>we get lots of mats
>give him one of the teleport cubes
>shuttle gets called
>I get a holoparasite
>get TWENTY THOUSAND mining points
>get about 9 mining drones with upgrades
>stop because they get too rowdy
>explain garithos is a good and we ride into the sunset
>kill a borg
>there was an ert because of some cult event on station
>minebots kill the ert but I get lasered to death in the process
>ert guy calls minebots op
> :')
>slowly all the minebots die, with minebot 8 making a glorious last stand, taking down multiple people with him
>suddenly garithos comes out of nowhere with a durand with a repair drone and rampages in medbay
>suddenly sec comes out of nowhere and ravages his ass with an ion carbine
>adrenals get garithos up right before the cuffs come on
>he runs into the sunset
>they almost catch him but he teleports using one of the cubes and runs in the opposite direction
>he recharges his guns in the arrivals checkpoint
>suddenly shuttle gets emagged
>He sprints onto a pod and lasers the other guy on it
>lots of people on the shuttle but nobody else on pods
>he is the sole greentext of the round

[molimoch]

I'm the reddit user.

[Valiantttt]

> in deadchat
> normal rev round, some heads alive
> "Would YOU like to play as a nanotrasen minebot"
> ohboyyeah
> "yo mining bot go kill the heads"
> bring me to the station cause minebot has no access
> upgrades me with hp
> go out in the hallway
> spot CE
> EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINATE!!
> manage to drill the CE to death.
> down to 42% because CE and QM managed to get hits in
> space the body
> move on to security
> break windows
> see officer dragging bodies outside
> go in for the kill
> drill him in the airlock
> he toke me down to 1%
> "Bitch please, 1%"
> go back
> see plasma and captain
> captain breaks light
> lel shock
> rush in and drill him whilst dragging to space
> "The revolutionaries have won! The heads were killed or exiled!"
> FREE MINEBOT! MINEBOT STRONK!

and I did my orders as asked. Kill all the heads.

[One Seven One]

This story is a bit old and the htm I had apparently saved nothing.
So this is all from my shit memory but is still pretty accurate save for a few things probably happening in a different order.

>Be a miner on the old asteroid
>Time to mi-
>Ding, you're a traitor. Steal some papers, any papers, we don't give a fuck.
>Also steal the HoS' cool gun
>Well alright then
>Purchase a ranged Holoparasite
>Rhodium Rose boots up
>Rhodium says something intended for ghost chat
>"Hello!"
>"..."
>"Hello?"
>"..."
>"You there?"
>"..."
>Wait for seven minues with no sign of them coming around
>Finally say fuck it and hit the New Holoparasite button
>No ghosts hit yes
>Stuck with a probably ghosted Holoparasite
>Start looking for Artifact rooms as an excuse to wait for a new ghost.
>Hit it again after a while
>Rhodium: "Greetings master!"
>Fucking hurray
>Tell Rhodium my objective and start talking about a plan
>As we're about to board the shuttle a mining borg comes along
>Huh, it's a bit late for tha-
>Mining borg starts drilling me
>Rhodium pops out and begins peppering the borg with crystals
>I start beating it with my pick-axe
>Borg is dead
>"Well if the AI is against me I need to prepare a little more. I know the location of an old syndicate building."
>Wander all the way to the back of the asteroid to grab the free Combat Gloves
>On our way up there and back we start talking a little
>Rhodium Rose acts cutsie and uses ~s
>Kind of adorable
>We head back to the station and figure we'll take the papers hidden in the vault
>We make our way around
>As I'm welding in the through the wall someone with a space suit starts trying to chat me up
>Maybe if I'm quiet and I don't move he'll go away
>Eventually he does
>Fuck yeah
>"Rhodium, check around. I don't want anymore surprises."
>Rhodium checks inside the vault
>The guy with the suit is in there
>The papers are already missing
>The fuck
>We decide to check out the brig's evidence lockers, maybe they took one?
>Rhodium goes looking around while I float my way over
>Rhodium meets the Warden and some other guy
>O-Oh, what are they saying
>"They say the papers are right outside the perma brig."
>Wait what
>Break in from perma's windows, buy an emag, and grab the papers
>Wow, that was... easy, now all we need is the HoS' gun
>"It'll probably be on the HoS."
>"Probab- wait we don't have a HoS."
>Check the Warden?
>Start asking Rhodium how her conversation with the Warden went
>"When I refused them sexual favors they started hitting me."
>RAGE
>"Which one did it, I'll kill 'em?!"
>The warden
>Shoot my fucking way through the small armory's windows
>Start breaking the glass to hop over the desk
>"Just emag the shutter controls."
>Oh right
>Run in and grab some laser guns and start firing at the Warden
>They hit computers
>Fuck I'm stupid
>Warden notices me and we start shooting each other
>I'm in a terrible position so I emag my way to the security room right outside the HoS' door.
>Start having a fire fight with the Warden
>Rhodium unloads crystals in to the Warden
>The fucking asshole in the spacesuit comes in from the airlocks and starts firing a stun gun
>Get hit by one
>Rhodium chases him off with Crystals
>I get up
>Rhodium downs the Warden
>Fuck ye-
>Security officer pops in and tosses a SPEAR in to my leg
>FUCK
>I start trying to pull it out
>Spacesuit guy shows up AGAIN
>Warden gets whisked away by some officer
>Fuck fuck fuck
>Rhodium shoots spacesuit and he runs off again
>Fall in to crit from blood loss
>FUCK
>Tell Rhodium I'm in crit
>TIME TO PANIC
>Rhodium begins to drag me where the space suit guy came in
>Shoots through the holoroom's windows
>Begins dragging me through the halls
>THE LIGHT IS GETTING PRETTY DAM CLOSE
>"If you can find anyone willing to help, tell them I have medical supplies in my pack."
>Rhodium drags me through medbay and I can only imagine is trying to get a doctor to help
>Get dragged in to the room next to the surgery theater
>THE LIGHT, IS THAT YOU UNCLE ROE?
>Start getting patched
>The light start falling back
>Is this really happening?
>Eventually come to
>"Uhhh, hi?"
>Doctor says I have a lot of blood loss and should take it easy
>"Y-Yeah, thank you."
>You shouldn't cause so much of a ruckus either Rhodium
>Rhodium: "I'll try not to!"
>H-Huh..
>"Is there anything I can do for you doc?" I ask, half expecting them to be a traitor helping out another traitor
>Doctor: "Try not to hurt anyone, makes my job a lot easier."
>"Heh, will do doc."
>One of us, can't remember which, asks if the doc has seen the warden
>Doc "He was in cloning last I saw."
>"Shit, we need his gun."
>Doc walks out and checks
>Me and Rhodium decide our days of shooting up brigs is behind us, we wouldn't even be alive had it not been for this doctor
>We're going to turn our lives around for the better after this
>Doc comes back and says the Warden is already gone
>Well shit
>I try to get up but I keep flopping over from blood loss
>Doc buckles me back in, checks my blood type, and says she's going to go get me some blood
>Doc hooks me up to a blood transfusion tube with one of the blood packs from the Surgery Theater
>Heh, maybe the gun is still in the HoS' locker? It won't be hard to get it and if we're quick we won't have to fight anyone. I think to myself
>Suddenly crit
>Wait what 2 return of the what
>"Oh shit I'm dieing." I say to Rhodium
>White light starts shrinking pretty dam quickly
>"AND FAST AT THAT."
>Doctor checks me
>Tosses me in to cryo
>Still dieing
>The light is so close
>UNCLE ROE I'M COMING BACK
>"Rhodium, just know. You're the best Holoparasite I could have asked for."
>"Good bye."
>DEAD
>Dead chat mildly explodes
>Turns out we had a small following
>People were enjoying our small bits of RP and the brig fight
>Get told the the only reason I'm dead is because there's a bug with the round start blood packs
>Blood pack's labels are randomized
>Blood pack's blood are ALSO randomized
>I'm dead because someone at Centcomm can't label shit correctly or gives two fucks to check before labeling
>I'm fucking laughing over here
>I'm not even mad, this is great. I could not have asked for a funnier way to die.
>Get told the warden was fucking pissed that the doctor was trying to help me instead of validing me
>Fucking hilarious
>Doc realizes after she scanned me why I died.
>Warden comes by and sees my bones and clothes in the cryotube
>Takes my shit and leaves
>Shuttle arrives and round ends

I may have died but fucking hell I enjoyed that round.
After that round I started naming my mining gun after Rhodium Rose.
She may be dead, but she will not be forgotten.

[confused rock]

>Playing pretend you're xyzzy with ss13 cards
>its all good
>like half the people leave (still have like 4) after a round ends
>advertise my memes on basil instead of just sybil
>"the_unloved_rock has joined the game" (prolly pascal they were on basil lol)
>jokes on them I was beating them 5 to 0 before they ragequit

[kazeespada]

>Captured traitor wanted for burning the station TO THE GROUND.
>Gulag for you son.
>SERBER CRASH SYBIL DOWN SYBIL DOWN!
>Restart round, no ones ready.
>Join late as SHAFT MINER
>Oh sweet, new shit.
>Starting KA, so lets see what I get with my voucher.
>Mining bot.
>Mine a bit
>get sweet sweet points.
>AI UPGRADE
>Beep boop Mining bot online
>Ahelp: "Name him gun buddy"
>Prayers answered, new minebot named gun buddy.
>Gun Buddy is total bro, we mine so much shit.
>We kill tendril together, it gives us Kudzu seed.
>We plant Kudzu seed.
>we bro around with mining borg
>We mine a ton of shit.
>Well, lets check RnD.
>Station is chaos, me and gun buddy wade through the chaotic station. HYPER KA OBTAINED
>Fully upgrade gun buddy.
>Still some points left.
>Buy two more bots and AI them.
>Nanotrasen Minebot: "Nigga, we gonna kill some people"
>"No"
>Minebot: "Boring, Imma rebel."
> Warn the bot, and he settles down for now.
>We go mining, fighting a watcher. Minebot 1 and Gun Buddy helping. Minebot 2 shoots me in the ass.
>Bleeding out, go to shelter, eat donk pocket.
>Decide to go find legion.
>find goliath isntead and get crushed
>Gun Buddy dragging me to main station.
>Evil minebot 2 tries to drag my corpse into lava.
>Dragging means he touches lava first. ZIPPP Burns in an instant.
>Minebot 1 and Gun Buddy get wreckt by a goliath ripping apart the mining shuttle
>Round end.

[Archie700]

>Nanotrasen Minebot: "Nigga, we gonna kill some people"
>"No"
>Minebot: "Boring, Imma rebel."
> Warn the bot, and he settles down for now.
>We go mining, fighting a watcher. Minebot 1 and Gun Buddy helping. Minebot 2 shoots me in the ass.
>Evil minebot 2 tries to drag my corpse into lava.

Don't the minebots have rules to NOT kill the person who made you sentient?

[ImaTowel]

Probably been playing here for about a month after switching away from another server due to its general attitude and just had to post this since I was laughing all the way through.

>Pregame lobby late last night trying to get Barkeep to try some recipes (Super low pop)
>Someone else rolls Barkeep
>Get HoP
>Well shit, at least I can just give myself access
>Deal with round start job changes first
>Assistant turned Chemical botanist, Miner turned Treasure Hunter Extrodinaire and Detective turned HoS since no other security on station
>And for shits and giggles give a borg a no access card named as 'Honorary Hooman' since the borg wanted an ID card
>Finally give myself full access and go to bar
>Demand my epic drink
>Bartender has never heard of it
>Fails to produce any results (not really his fault it's pretty obscure)
>Dicking around and trying to help the Barkeep with my drink
>Borg comes into bar and screams singulo loose!
> I run over to the bridge with borg to call the shuttle
>The singulo starts heading straight for the bridge!
>Emergency shuttle called: SinguEAGRHTJRJ (mashed my keyboard in panic)
>Bridge completely destroyed. Borg and I escape in the nick of time
>I head to escape to try to avoid singulo
>IT HEADS STRAIGHT FOR ESCAPE
>Me and 3 others run into the chapel where I try to get a botanist to ghetto pod me out the chapel mass driver in a coffin
>Botanist can't launch since no access (found out later I could of did it myself)
>Singulo eats the chapel and kills everyone in it
>Only people to make it to the escape shuttle is a virologist and a shaft miner.
>End game comes up and the Detective was a traitor all along and was the one to release the singularity

I was laughing histerically to myself as I tried to launch myself out the mass driver and its a shame my plan failed

[Topham]

>spawn as Sits-On-Faces, the janitor
>late at night, losing my mind, pray for some Fun(TM) before i hospitalize myself out of boredom and desperation
>start fuckin' around, notice i look different
>aw fuck yeah i'm a slime named "slime" time to slime it up
>devour everything and everything i can, including snacks from the machines and donk pockets from maint and the kitchen
>get to the point where i'm begging people to stuff food inside of me so i can finally see the rumored slime splitting action
>after a while, finally produce a clone that i dress up and put in a dorm room and then another that i hide in the confessional because nobody rps with the chaplain anymore
>stuffing my face and talking to the chef when suddenly
You hear a voice in your head...Kill them and you will receive food.
>start talking to the air, going insane. "Wha...who? Where are the voicesss coming from? The voicesss! Where? Who?"
You hear a voice in your head...Infinite food.
You hear a voice in your head...Kill the chef and you will receive infinite food.
>"Yesss, my lord."
>grab two knives from the kitchen vendor and start throwing them and slashing up the first chef
>second chef tries to intervene, slash him up too
>one of them ends up on the ground, other chef runs away
>i think someone dragged the first chef's body away as i searched for the other one
You hear a voice in your head...Yes, my prophet.
>decide it'd be a good idea to switch to the confessional body and make a clone for that one, eat up and do so
>prowl medbay searching for chef blood, knives in hand
You hear a voice in your head...Kill the other slime, they are a false prophet.
>tell the voice in my head that i am the other slime
You hear a voice in your head...I see, it all makes sense now. Give me bodies.
You hear a voice in your head...We need more bodies!
>"Yes, my lord."
>find the other chef in medbay storage, run after him
>start to slash him up, he runs away
>i chase after him but slip on his tactical soap
>rats, foiled again
>screech that i will return and i will have blood until i go into crit from him beating the shit out of me
>see that you can't switch bodies when you're in crit. load of shit.
>pray to the gods for a second chance and that i'm sorry to have failed them, thinking that i was the prophet of one the admins the whole time
>watch the round ghosted, my catatonic clones chilling throughout the station
>round end
>it was just a revenant the whole time
>i was the slime prophet for a revenant

I have failed you, my lord.

[confused rock]

>assistant
>no captain
>try to grab nuke disk
>cap bucklecuffs me to their bed
>after yelling about rape for a solid 20 minutes, end up in brig with nothing but my radio and jumpsuit
>HOS is way worse than the cap, calling me a ligger constantly
>ling cryo stings me
>yell multiple times
>HOS Macintosh Plus sits on my body in crit and eats donuts
>no response from an ahelp despite there being 3 admins on
>Get defibbed
>he pepper sprays me and beats me up
>no response from an ahelp again
>ahelp a third time later with different admins on
>no response
>get a new id from the hop
>its on
>Macintosh tries to pepper spray me again
>nope fuck you
>pull an amemelius and slip him with weed killer and cable cuff
>throw a molotov at him
>start stabbing him with an axe
>space him
>he was calling for help the whole time
>realise the hop gave me all access and become the new hos
>ahelp a question in the middle of the round
>I actually get a response for a question, but not about extreme lizard racism
>later get killed by a ling and absorbed but whatever

admins were fucking cancer but damn that felt good

[bandit]

>assistant
>no captain
>try to grab nuke disk
>cap bucklecuffs me to their bed
>after yelling about rape for a solid 20 minutes

you deserved it

[Atlanta-Ned]

admins were i was fucking cancer

fixed that for ya

[kazeespada]

>assistant
>no captain
>try to grab nuke disk
>cap bucklecuffs me to their bed
>after yelling about rape for a solid 20 minutes, end up in brig with nothing but my radio and jumpsuit
>HOS is way worse than the cap, calling me a ligger constantly
>ling cryo stings me
>yell multiple times
>HOS Macintosh Plus sits on my body in crit and eats donuts
>no response from an ahelp despite there being 3 admins on
>Get defibbed
>he pepper sprays me and beats me up
>no response from an ahelp again
>ahelp a third time later with different admins on
>no response
>get a new id from the hop
>its on
>Macintosh tries to pepper spray me again
>nope fuck you
>pull an amemelius and slip him with weed killer and cable cuff
>throw a molotov at him
>start stabbing him with an axe
>space him
>he was calling for help the whole time
>realise the hop gave me all access and become the new hos
>ahelp a question in the middle of the round
>I actually get a response for a question, but not about extreme lizard racism
>later get killed by a ling and absorbed but whatever

admins were fucking cancer but damn that felt good

Wrong thread buddy? This should be in Ban Appeals

[ShadowDimentio]

>Be mime
>CULT
>Oh fuck yes
>Holla to my homies
>They holla back
>Set up a secret door to the Ian room in the bathroom
>Ask for someone to help me convert
>They say they already have a base
>Toxins maint
>I approve of the creativity but this is an awful spot
>Leave and wander around
>Get called back later
>Try to go in the long way to keep the location a secret
>It's got a wall in the way
>Look in the escape entrance
>Literally swarming with people
>Say that they're going to get fucking caught and NEED TO MOVE
>They stay and shortly get caught
>Only me and a scientist left
>Scientist declares he's going braindead
>Grab his body and stuff it in the room
>THE TIME IS NOW
>Grab a few people and convert them flawlessly
>Librarian is one of the converts and leaves his book
>Irony noted, I PDA him and say to get it from his disposal unit
>Continue waiting for converts to Islam
>Have put the talisman rune far away from the convert room to keep my location a secret
>Get slipped by a greyshirt in the tunnels and fed grass?
>He says it's holy water and leaves
>AW HELL NO
>Hit myself with my book to undo my cleansing
>Hopped up on unholy water, I run around the station
>Suddenly a guard goes aggro on me
>Run into maint and he's right on my ass
>Barely manage to talisman him before a flashbang goes off
>Get up with him and talisman him again
>Beat him to death
>Sacrifice him in the name of Narssy
>Make him a wraith and he leaves
>Now up an officer's equipment, I feel powerful as hell
>Realize I was set to arrest
>Go to arrivals to charge and undo my arrest when I realize something
>I have a million brain damage from ODing on unholy water
>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>Lose my sec ID to the computer
>Try thinking of a way to unfuck myself
>Accidentally slip on one of the billion holy water grass things in the hall
>A guard shows up and cuffs me
>There's nothing I can do
>They feed me holy water after finding everything I had
>Ghost out of respect to Islam
>All the ghosts say hi and give respect
>Round is basically over
>EXCEPT THAT THE GUARD I WRAITH'D IS GOING HAM AND KILLING LIKE TEN GUYS
>Oh no wait he's dead
>Congratulate him on godlike murdering
>He says thanks and the round ends
>Like five cultists were left unconverted
>The last living one was the braindead guy who had somehow been found and thrown in perma

Massive redtext but a good round.

[One Seven One]

>Be greyshit
>Ding you're a traitor, kill the janitor and escape alive.
>Simple enough
>Buy a holoparasite, a chamo kit, some cigs, and some no slips.
>Tungstan Ivy the scout holoparasite comes online
>Tell 'em to go search around
>Find some suspicious people here and there but not much else
>"Security executed someone."
>"CMO is uploading laws."
>"Oh and your target is in their office."
>Oh shit that makes it easy
>We screw on over and I weld their door shut and sneak around in to maint
>Begin welding wall
>We pop in!
>Our target is...
>Just..
>Standing there..
>Er...
>It'll feel kinda shitty to just kill 'em..
>Fuck it, they're my target and they haven't even left their office.
>"They were moving when I checked on them earlier."
>Oh..
>We drag 'em away without even trying to cuff 'em
>Maybe they'll come back and we'll have a tussle?
>Nope, never happens
>We drag 'em away and kill 'em
>"I guess we should get that shuttle called?"
>Don my chamo suit as officer McHarmington
>Don't really do much with it
>We kill a clown
>Noticed my healing cigs fell out of my pocked when I switched to the chamo suit
>Went back and the locker we stuffed the janitor in is gone but my cigs are still on the ground in front of where it was
>Yoink
>Assumed my target is probably still dead from being AFK
>We go to raid science
>Everything is level 1
>Fucking hell
>We walk over to robotics and the science sec room
>Oh hey an actual officer
>Who's..
>Just..
>Standing there..
>What's with this shit?
>Decide it'd be shitty to kill someone AFK and not my target
>We weld through the wall and strip 'em
>Alright now to d-
>Officer grabs a baton and SMACKS me
>WELL SHIT
>"GET 'EM TUNGSTEN, NO REGRETS NOW
>...
>TUNGSTEN GET' EM
>...
>TUNGSTEN?
>...
>All the while I'm being constantly stunned and eventually cuffed away
>Trying to get myself a new holo the entire time, since I GOTTA GET THAT OFFICER
>No ghosts are around
>TRY AGAIN
>No ghosts are around
>AGAIN
>No ghosts fuckwad
>Get taken to prison, they strip me and decide to gulag me for 1000 points
>You know that's really not as bad as I was expecting
>Ivory comes back, says their cat unplugged their internet cable
>That's actually kind of funny, can't even be mad at that.
>"Shit happens, let's make a new plan."
>We make the plan that when they drag me off we'll fuck 'em up.
>We get taken to gulag and the warden comes by to uncuff me
>IVORY NOW
>Ivory pops out and Warden tries to drag me in to prison
>Warden calls out for help
>Warden drags me back on to the ship
>Ship gets called by someone who's not the warden
>Warden falls flat on their face and Tungsten fucks 'em up
>NOW TO BREAK THESE CUFFS
>This shit really takes a long time, doesn't it
>ALMOST THERE
>JUST
>A LITTLE
>MO-
>Shuttle launches
>DAMMIT
>Shuttle launches again and again, this shit goes on for a while
>Tunstan drags me through the door on to perma
>I didn't even know we could do that
>I uncuff
>"Shit, I should have dragged the warden too."
>"Shit I didn't even think of that either."
>Shuttle never gets launched back
>We're pretty much marooned
>Time to mine to the miner's outp-
>Ashtorm
>Shuttle call
>We're running out of time pretty dam fast
>Ashtorm ends and we start mining through the walls to see if we can get around the river
>Find an ashwalker on our side and one on the other side
>Well... that's odd.
>Find the path the ashwalker mined
>Their home is three feet away from the gulag outpost
>WELL ALRIGHT THEN
>Don their clothes
>One ashwalker pops out of an egg
>"SUP BOYO"
>"WANT TO COME HELP ME KILL THE STATION?"
>"Hell yessss."
>Fucking great, I've got a team
>Ashwalker walks away and drags their fallen comrade to become an egg
>Whisper for the egg to hatch
>Eventually it does
>Tell him we're fucking up the station
>He likes this plan
>Look over at the RCD and remember words from a wise man "I think you can RCD over the lava."
>Worth a fucking shit
>We go back to the gulag and I begin making walls
>IT WORKS
>Decon the walls and walk across our bridge
>Call the fucking shuttle
>THE PROMISED TIME IS HERE BOYOS
>Emergency shuttle has docked at the station
>We get to the station, break down the walls with tools
>Our time is here
>Ignore the sheer amount of alien weeds, I'm heading for that shuttle and fucking up that officer
>Get to the shuttle docking
>QUEEN ALIEN
>OTHER, SMALLER ALIENS
>PLASMA FLOODING ESCAPE
>OFFICER IS PROBABLY ALREADY SUFFICIENTLY FUCKED
>TURN TAIL AND RUN
>Hunger hits red
>SLOW AS FUCK
>Ask Tungsten to drag me to escape
>...
>Dammit cat
>get face hugged
>Ashwalker begins dragging
>I fucking love you right now
>We get to the pods with ten seconds to spare
>We go for the door and..
>Door won't open
>Needs a crowbar
>Shuttle launches
>Decide to go out fighting aliens
>Round ends, my target was still dead
>Everyone else got fucked from aliens too


Lot of unfortunate shit happens but I can't be mad at any of it
I went from random assistant, to a prisoner, to an ashwalker leader that made it to the station so I had fun.

[confused rock]

>be botanist with retarded plan
>start making biomass and sandbags
>I suck at biomass so I make like 1250 and give up
>use grass to make a fuck ton of sand
>end up with more than i needed
>make a bunch of sandbags in theatre
>make a pretty nice defense
>recruit people to enact it with laser tag
>2 people on offense nazis, me and thomas, 2 people on defense, ray and the captain, the mime is on the piano playing star wars
>just started, thomas is trying to jump the sandbags and get in
>hos comes in and tries to arrest thomas for no reason
>scare him off
>he comes back
>beats the fuck out of me and ignores thomas
>robust the hos non lethally and cuff him
>try to buckle him to a pipe
>nathan comes in and wordlessly axes me to death
>some guys say its justified because ligger
>salty as fuck
>ahelp it
>they offer to make me an inspector meme
>say no because not a nazi, have a better idea
>centcomm calls hos fat
>ha

[yackemflam]

>Be greyshit
>Ding you're a traitor, kill the janitor and escape alive.
>Simple enough
>Buy a holoparasite, a chamo kit, some cigs, and some no slips.
>Tungstan Ivy the scout holoparasite comes online
>Tell 'em to go search around
>Find some suspicious people here and there but not much else
>"Security executed someone."
>"CMO is uploading laws."
>"Oh and your target is in their office."
>Oh shit that makes it easy
>We screw on over and I weld their door shut and sneak around in to maint
>Begin welding wall
>We pop in!
>Our target is...
>Just..
>Standing there..
>Er...
>It'll feel kinda shitty to just kill 'em..
>Fuck it, they're my target and they haven't even left their office.
>"They were moving when I check on them earlier."
>Oh..
>We drag 'em away without even trying to cuff 'em
>Maybe they'll come back and we'll have a tussle?
>Nope, never happens
>We drag 'em away and kill 'em
>"I guess we should get that shuttle called?"
>Don my chamo suit as officer McHarmington
>Don't really do much with it
>We kill a clown
>Noticed my healing cigs fell out of my pocked when I switched to the chamo suit
>Went back and the locker we stuff the janitor in is gone but my cigs are still on the ground in front of where it was
>Yoink
>Assumed my target is probably still dead from being AFK
>We go to raid science
>Everything is level 1
>Fucking hell
>We walk over to robotics and the science sec room
>Oh hey an actual officer
>Who's..
>Just..
>Standing there..
>What's with this shit?
>Decide it'd be shitty to kill someone AFK and not my target
>We weld through the wall and strip 'em
>Alright now to d-
>Officer grabs a baton and SMACKS me
>WELL SHIT
>"GET 'EM TUNGSTEN, NO REGRETS NOW
>...
>TUNGSTEN GET' EM
>...
>TUNGSTEN?
>...
>All the while I'm being constantly stunned and eventually cuffed away
>Trying to get myself a new holo the entire time, since I GOTTA GET THAT OFFICER
>No ghosts are around
>TRY AGAIN
>No ghosts are around
>AGAIN
>No ghosts fuckwad
>Get taken to prison, they strip me and decide to gulag me for 1000 points
>You know that's really not as bad as I was expecting
>Ivory comes back, says their cat unplugged their internet cable
>That's actually kind of funny, can't even be mad at that.
>"Shit happens, let's make a new plan."
>We make the plan that when they drag me off we'll fuck 'em up.
>We get taken to gulag and the warden comes by to uncuff me
>IVORY NOW
>Ivory pops out and Warden tries to drag me in to prison
>Warden calls out for help
>Warden drags me back on to the ship
>Ship gets called by someone who's not the warden
>Warden falls flat on their face and Tungsten fucks 'em up
>NOW TO BREAK THESE CUFFS
>This shit really takes a long time, doesn't it
>ALMOST THERE
>JUST
>A LITTLE
>MO-
>Shuttle launches
>DAMMIT
>Shuttle launches again and again, this shit goes on for a while
>Tunstan drags me through the door on to perma
>I didn't even know we could do that
>I uncuff
>"Shit, I should have dragged the warden too."
>"Shit I didn't even think of that either."
>Shuttle never gets launched back
>We're pretty much marooned
>Time to devise a head back I ge-
>Ashtorm
>Shuttle call
>We're running out of time pretty dam fast
>Ashtorm ends and we start mining through the walls to see if we can get around the river
>Find and ashwalker on our side and one on the other side
>Well... that's odd.
>Find the path the ashwalker mined
>Their home is three feet away from the gulag outpost
>WELL ALRIGHT THEN
>Don their clothes
>One ashwalker pops out of an egg
>"SUP BOYO"
>"WANT TO COME HELP ME KILL THE STATION?"
>"Hell yessss."
>Fucking great, I've got a team
>Ashwalker walks away and drags their fallen comrade to become an egg
>Whisper for the egg to hatch
>Eventually it does
>Tell him we're fucking up the station
>He likes this plan
>Look over at the RCD and remember words from a wise man "I think you can RCD over the lava."
>Worth a fucking shit
>We go back to the gulag and I begin making walls
>IT WORKS
>Decon the walls and walk across our bridge
>Call the fucking shuttle
>THE PROMISED TIME IS HERE BOYOS
>Emergency shuttle has docked at the station
>We get to the station, break down the walls with tools
>Our time is here
>Ignore the sheer amount of alien weeds, I'm heading for that shuttle and fucking up that officer
>Get to the shuttle docking
>QUEEN ALIEN
>OTHER, SMALLER ALIENS
>PLASMA FLOODING ESCAPE
>OFFICER IS PROBABLY ALREADY SUFFICIENTLY FUCKED
>TURN TAIL AND RUN
>Hunger hits red
>SLOW AS FUCK
>Ask Tungsten to drag me to escape
>...
>Dammit cat
>get face hugged
>Ashwalker begins dragging
>I fucking love you right now
>We get to the pods with ten seconds to spare
>We go for the door and..
>Door won't open
>Needs a crowbar
>Shuttle launches
>Decide to go out fighting aliens
>Round ends, my target was still dead
>Everyone else got fucked from aliens too


Lot of unfortunate shit happens but I can't be mad at any of it
I went from random assistant, to a prisoner, to an ashwalker leader that made it to the station so I had fun.

THAT JANITOR WAS ME

I was practicing drawing lewds...

When I came back I saw my body being cloned, scrolled up, and saw your text of murdering my ass, so I snitched you out. I was later dragged around and face hugged on purpose by someone.

[InsaneHyena]

> Mediumpop box.
> Be scientist.
> It's gangs.
> Don't give a fuck. Make telescience, have fun with it.
> Never get recruited.
> Gang murderboner visits me and kindly shoots me to death.

> Next round.
> Lowpop box
> Cluwne
> Time to build telescience again!
> CHANGELING
> Don't give a fuck, I'll build telescience anyway!
> Look at abilities, try to figure if any changes were made. Engorged ballsacks are gone, but everything else seems exactly the same.
> Buy armblade, EMP screech, fleshmend.
> Somebody emagged teleporter and captain's quarters already.
> Make it even easier. Screwdriver and crowbar teleporter - oh hello there, friendly security officer, Johh Stahl. Do you have a question?
> No, he has a taser.
> Get stripped of my things, bucklecuffed, sentenced to 10 minutes.
> Kindly admins for removing spess law and allowing this bullshit.
> When my sentence gets to about 5 minutes, he sets it to 15.
> This is it. He's getting fucked, when I get out.
> Some admin begins messing with the sec officer by introducing him to bluespace banana peels.
> Josh promises to send me to Auschwitz. We'll see about that.
> Suddenly, HoP comes and releases me for some reason. Promises me a job of guarding Ian.
> Gives me some impressive access (but no armory).
> The moment I step out of HoP's, a bartender with a knife kills Ian.
> Disarm him, murder him back.
> Meanwhile, we're losing power and there's plasma in the air for some reason.
> I wonder if miners have enough points for lazarus? There are none in cargo, so maybe I'll find them in science.
> Drag Ian's body to science, meet Josh on the way.
> I wonder if he still wants to kill me.
> Yes. Yes, he does.
> He whips out a taser and starts shooting, but he's no match for my elite clowning skills.
> Slip him and run to the maint, expecting him to follow.
> He doesn't. Smart.
> Start actively looking for him.
> Where is he?
> Okay, he's ought to come back to the brig eventually. I'll just wait for him there. I break into the armory and wait.
> Hello, random miner. Why are you climbing on the desk? What do you want from me?
> That's a nice double esword you have there.
> He activates his sword and begins chasing me, I throw a banana peel under his feet.
> Miss.
> Well, shit.
> He doesn't notice the peel and slips anyway, drops his weapon.
> My face when.
> Grab his esword and hack him to death with it, space the body.
> Okay, tired of waiting, where's Josh?
> Eventually find him in the escape, before he even manages to do anything, I slip him, drag him to the maint and kill him with my trophy esword.
> Space the body. Fly, baby, fly!
> Okay, what were my objectives, anyway?
> Kill and replace a medical doctor that was laughing at me, when I was serving my 15 minute sentence.
> Easy-peasy.
> A friendly virologist offers me an LSD patch.
> Have a good trip.
> Okay, I need to kill the doctor, but how do I do it? Medbay is the most active place at the time, and she never leaves it. I need a plan.
> Come to medbay sometime later, see my doctor treating some poor schmuck after cloning.
> Wait a minute, not that many people died. Who is this schmuck exactly.
> It's my friend Josh.
> Shit.
> No time for plans, I whip out a taser and get two cheap shots at the small crowd, before getting my esword.
> Actually manage to crit Josh and stun my target. Virologist fails to disarm me twice and doesn't risk further combat, instead he saves Josh.
> Drag my target to the maint, while hacking her head off.
> Change identities and clothes, return to medbay and say that I've managed to survive somehow.
> They actually buy it.
> Go to the brig and find Josh there. You're not getting away this time.
> "Clown attacked me in science!"
> Predictably, he rushes to science all by himself. Kill him.
> Drag his body to the chapel and dispose of him. This time for sure.
> Eventually manage to get the shuttle called.
> Fly away.
> I feel like I've forgotten something important.
> Fuck. Telescience.

[DemonFiren]

Moral: Never lose sight of your objectives, even if your objectives are not your objectives.