Stories of Awesome (Or something close to it.)

newfren · Post by **newfren** » Fri Nov 06, 2015 2:39 am #132001

Bottom post of the previous page:

did you just quote your own post from 4 posts up and change nothing

confused rock · Fri Nov 06, 2015 3:01 am

newfren wrote:did you just quote your own post from 4 posts up and change nothing

holy shit I think I meant to edit it or something how did I fuck up so bad

Deitus · Post by **Deitus** » Fri Nov 06, 2015 6:10 pm #132146

>latejoin
>shuttle ready to leave, ascended sling on board
>board, immediately thralled
>use lesser commune
>"man this sling is a fuckin faggot huh guys"
>sling gets in my face
>whatchoosaynigga
>"bitchass ho you heard me, 1v1 me faggot"
>get blown

0 fucks

also
>be bartender
>assistant oxygen tank suicides behind my counter
>another guy walks in, asks what happened
>"oxy tank suicide mang"
>"but i thought nanotrasen installed safety valves on those"
>"naw man"
>he doesn't believe me
>decide to demonstrate
>he believes me now
>a little while later, get bored with how long the round is taking so decide fuck it, pray to be revived
>"suicide is the ultimate sin"
>"but who will keep the station beer saturated?"
>REINCARNATED
>...as pete.
>"you're a fuckin riot, gods"
>"enjoy your new life, my child"
>walk around, greet the crew
>regular "howry shet talking animal" deal
>decide to make the most of my new life
>go to HOP, get an ID card to drag behind me
>some lizard tries to kill me, i run into sec
>lizard gets thrown out
>"KILL THE ABONINATION"
>"yo man if lizards get rights on this station why shouldn't goats"
>sec agrees
>hang out for a while, warden and hos getting cucked by librarian in cell one
>whew
>eventually one officer comes in and punches me to death, not realizing i was sentient
>oh well

it probably didnt help that i kept emoting getting the evil gleam in my eye automatically. must just be programmed into pete even if he's player controlled

Sat Nov 07, 2015 1:39 am

this is the tale of Lauser the manlet and Prince Anderson
i will write my own perspective of the tale one day, but for now, here is the book series penned by Fiz Bump about the story from the library database. there are some inaccuracies but i still love it

The Ballad Of Mekhi and the Manlet

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told
The following is a true legend, told to young spacemen as they experience the sharp pangs of unrequited love.
On a station, much like the one you live on now, there lived two men. Mekhi Anderson and Lauser McLaughlin were their names.
Lauser was much in the habit of following Mekhi around the station, as he was very much in love with Mekhi, though he did not dare admit it, even to himself.
During a shift that started much like any other, Lauser was following Mekhi, serenading him with tender words, such as "Smalllllllll" and "tinnnyyyyyy", for this was his habit.
However, a great and mischevious god was watching their antics, and took it upon himself to curse Laauser with that most feared of all afflictions.
Yes, Lauser was cursed to be a manlet.

Continued in Part Two

The Ballad Of Mekhi and the Manlet

Part Two

At first he despaired of his deplorable condition, and the other denizens of the station took it upon themselves to ostracize and bully poor, little Lauser.
However, the god was merciful and granted Lauser a chance to reclaim his lost height.
"Lauser", the god intoned, "You may only return to your normal size with a kiss from Prince Mekhi".
And so began Lauser's quest of unrequited love, to claim a kiss from his beloved Mekhi, in order to reclaim his lost pride.
Lauser fought his way through fire and blood, as the station collapsed around him, but despite his efforts, his lips went untouched and his height remained unchanged.

Continued in Part Three

The Ballad Of Mekhi and the Manlet

Part Three

Despite the efforts of our hero, Lauser the Turbo Manlet, to solicit a kiss from his Prince Mekhi, Lauser's lips remained chaste and the curse of the manlet remained unbroken
Lauser tried everything he could think of to win Mekhi's heart.
However, be it stunprods, cable cuffs, or changes to the laws of the station Ai, Lauser was unable to win the heart of Prince Mekhi.
As the station burned around the two star-crossed lovers, and the escape shuttle neared the station, Lauser new he would need to act fast, or lose his chance to break the curse of the manlet.
In his desperation, Lauser reached out to the Detective, and to a crafty engineer, in order to bring Mekhi's soft, supple lips to Lauser's own before the shuttle seperated them forever.

Concluded in Part 4

The Ballad of Mekhi and the Manlet

Part Four - Finale

The shuttle approached, threatening to take away Lauser's last chance to break the curse.
As Mekhi drew near the shuttle, the Detective used his revolver to trip up Prince Mekhi, while the Engineer slipped Lauser a stunprod for good measure.
However, Mekhi was as elusive as he was desirable, and he soon turned the tables on Lauser using a combination of guile and powergaming.
Lauser watched in despair as Mekhi boarded the shuttle. But, not one to give up, gave chase.
And so began a final struggle between Mekhi and the Manlet, on the escape shuttle that threatened to tear them apart.Stuns flew widly, and Mekhi barely escaped with his tender lips intact more than once.
Finally, Lauser stood over his elusive love, lips poised to break the curse, when Lord Singulon appeared in the midst of the escapees, uniting Lauser and Mekhi's forms at last in an unrequited embrace.

Fin

Deitus · Post by **Deitus** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 7:17 am #132269

PKPenguin321 wrote:ART

10/10 better than Shakespeare i cri errytime

did the gods mean he had to kiss you or you had to force one from him? would that count as kiss raping

Sat Nov 07, 2015 8:31 am

Deitus wrote:
PKPenguin321 wrote:ART
10/10 better than Shakespeare i cri errytime

did the gods mean he had to kiss you or you had to force one from him? would that count as kiss raping

they didn't say exactly, but i tried diplomacy and it didnt work so i ended up trying to arrest/shoot/subverting-the-AI at him until he would be forced to kiss me
somebody BoH singulo bombed us on the shuttle when i had him right where i wanted him though so in the end i died a manlet

Anonmare · Post by **Anonmare** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 5:53 pm #132321

The fate all manlets deserve tbh

Deitus · Post by **Deitus** » Tue Nov 10, 2015 1:51 am #132756

>time to be ai
>nope aaaawperatives
>whew
>leader says he doesnt know what to do
>trade him id's
>so we gonna do st--
>NOPE WARBOIS
>hand out macros
>get on shuttle
>arrive on station
>bangbangbangbang
>some of us get dunked, take a lot of people with us though
>captain didnt grab the disk at roundstart
>nab it
>ge dunked
>disk respawn in toxins
>teammate bombs wall
>literally one half of an r wall between him and the disk
>deconns
>grabs
>VICTORY

and they told me it was a dumb idea to go warbois

>rd
>someone already took all other departments
>dick around, borg people, give them meme names
>roboticist welds me out
>suddenly plasma
>suddenly lights explode and ignites plasma
>scream multiple times the ai is rogue
>"guis why is der plasma in da vents is atmos rogue?"
>scream more
>ai goes malf
>"oh shit the ai is malf?"
>jimmy status: rustled hard
>lasered by borg
>ghost now
>ai really well protected, lots of r walls/doors and shit
>people beginning to break through with chems
>suddenly singulo outta fukken nowhere
>eats attackers
>spends ~1min pussyfooting around ai core
>emp so ai cant shunt
>reaches max stage and noms core
>mulligan

whew

ShadowDimentio · Wed Nov 11, 2015 6:28 am

>Be HoS on Meta
>Recently be in a good security mood
>I think I'm dying or something because I usually hate security
>Anyways
>Fuck around like usual, no need to be a dick or anything
>Some miner is promoted to warden by the HoP
>Let him do his thing because sec is way short on staff
>Security requested at tech
>Go to help 'cause I'm basically the only person in security
>Place is cleaned out
>Morph? Morph
>Reports of a morph in medbay
>Spring into action
>Try to locate the morph but it ventcrawls away before I can shoot it
>Damn it
>Go hunting around for it, murderbone ROCK HARD
>Hear reports of it in engi
>Run over and find it
>Shoot it once and it crawls away
>Grr
>Grab a t-ray scanner and look for it
>Totally useless
>Feh
>Continue hunting the morph for a long while
>It keeps escaping
>Decide to check the armory to make sure it's still there
>Morph is there, bails
>Warden's fucking gone, so is all the guns
>GODDAMN MORPH!!
>Run into the hall trying to hedge it off
>See the warden
>"Why weren't you guarding the guns!?"
>"I was arresting a guy."
>"Well now the ARMORY'S GONE. You had ONE JOB!!"
>Walk off
>The hunt continues for a long time
>At some point Centcomm sends an officer to check the captain and make sure he's not being a lizardfucker
>He's nowhere to be found
>Whatever, not my problem, I have a morph to hunt
>Eventually find the morph in sec again, eating the warden
>Riddle it with lasers before it escapes
>Prowl around, it can't have gone far
>Look in my office to see if my stuff's still there
>Morph!!
>It's dead
>Empty my clips in it anyways
>The stuff isn't anywhere to be found
>Get told I have to butcher it
>Butcher it
>Shit everywhere, way too much to carry
>Well whatever, whoever wants any of it can have it
>See the centcomm officer again
>Say hi before calling it
>Go to cargo after being asked to open some crates
>See a justice hat, confiscate it for WEEEE OOOOO WEEEEE OOOOOO action
>Keep hearing reports of another morph
>Figure it's just shitheads trolling after I announced I killed the morph
>Go to check where they're being reported anyways
>Morph!! Another one!?!?
>Shoot it like 5 times as it escapes
>Start to swear when a revenant appears and zaps my gun charges
>Then they stun me
>Morph comes out and murders me
>Are you kidding
>Those shitheads TEAMED UP
>Morph eats me
>Thanks to my hat they're easy as fuck to locate because they make noise
>Them and the revenant kill a bunch of people until the shuttle arrives
>An engi in a hardsuit boards
>Morph attacks them
>The engi tells them to stop
>NO MERCY
>Engi whips out an esword and nukes the morph while the revenant watches hopelessly
>Gloat at the morph

Pretty fun/10

Not-Dorsidarf · Sun Jul 30, 2023 1:33 am

This is why we play ss13

Post by **NikNakFlak** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 10:25 pm #133334

>Thanks to my hat they're easy as fuck to locate because they make noise

"Oh god....The morph has killed everyone....we are the last ones alive.... oh god I hope it doesn't find us..."
"WAIT WHAT'S THAT, I THINK I HEAR SOMETHING!"
"What?"
"SHHH!!!!"
"weeooweewooweewooweewoo.......weewooweewooweewooweeooweowwooeewoo"
"oh god oh god oh god!!"
"It's coming for us!"
"WEEWEEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO"
"OH GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Aloraydrel · Post by **Aloraydrel** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 11:45 pm #133346

ShadowDimentio wrote:wew

Oh yea I was that morph

Based revenant was helpful

TheNightingale · Fri Nov 13, 2015 7:29 pm

You are Julia Schofield, the Quartermaster. You are also the Traitor!
Purchasing an emag and storage implant, you swipe the console and hide your emag, then order combat shotguns (for R&D).
The AI gets PALADIN'd by the Captain, who seems to be on some sort of power trip.
So, you order some tasers and ablative. Plasma starts flooding - is the AI rogue?
To find out, you buy a Syndicate encryption key. People are shouting about the AI being rogue.
It's not the AI, it's Oldman and Master, the Atmos Techs. Master doesn't have a headset key, but Oldman does.
You trade information, then go to medical - past the plasma flood and fires, in your firesuit - to find your target.
He's in the Bar, so you take your ID off, go up and shoot him. Apologising, you cave his skull in and stash the body.
The shuttle is called, and you return to Cargo and order a contraband crate and spacesuit.
It has an ebow, soap, chameleon projector, pen and health analyzer.
After buying the spacesuit, you find the HoS's hardsuit outside in space. You run out and take it.
Oldman's going to hijack the shuttle, so you rendezvous with him at Escape, bringing three tasers, two ablative vests and a combat shotgun.
He doesn't recognise you without your ID; he tases and attacks you, but stops when you reveal yourself.
His holoparasite heals you, and you meet Master Betty, the other traitor, who has a hand teleporter already.
You ask Oldman what his objective is, and he only just now remembered - it's ablative.
What a coincidence, it just so happens you have two ablative vests with you already.
You take out an ablative vest from your bag and give it to him.
Hijacking the shuttle with your emag, you flee to Syndicate HQ, with four tables full of contraband.
The text is as green as can be.

ShadowDimentio · Sat Nov 14, 2015 11:58 pm

I was the warden that round, one of the few survivors. There was a revenant, and they lit me on fire, killing me. Then Oldman found the locker I was guarding, that had the entire armory in it.

Basically even if the crew wasn't all dead you would have won

Also where the fuck did you get the ablative vests from, I had all of them

TheNightingale · Sun Nov 15, 2015 12:02 am

Cargo is a wondrous thing. I ordered two of them early on when the Captain subverted the AI, and kept them ever since.

Zilenan91 · Post by **Zilenan91** » Mon Nov 16, 2015 8:07 am #133998

>be metastation
>be me
>be clown Cornholio
>mull around for the first few minutes, slip a guy on my PDA
>see Dante and his parasite beating the tar out of someone in the dorms
>call it out over the radio
>later find kor dragging Dante either stunned or in crit out of maint with the parasite in hot pursuit
>initiate clownboxing.exe
>start beating the shit out of the parasite
>fight with the parasite goes all the way up to near the fitness room doors
>talos goes into crit as I use my clown skills to punch the parasite to death
>stab talos with the epi pen in my box and get him to medbay and healed
>nothing much happens for a while
>sing later gets loose so the shuttle is called
>got a cap gun earlier from the theater that was on my belt
>start shooting people with it in escape
>hit someone with it, I thought it did no damage
>get arrested by a borg because of harm
>not mad at all, start asking if it does any damage
>it says it does
>whatever
>shuttle gets here and the borg drags me into the brig
>crew starts asking why I'm brigged
>someone busts down the back wall behind my chair
>I had unbuckled myself so I get drug onto the table
>The Great Honkscape!
>borg spams disablers and I go down
>fug
>it drags me into the main hallway to get me back in but I'm saved once again by somebody
>borg disablers him
>I get up and run around a 1 mph due to stamina damage
>borg grabs me again
>somebody gets me from the borg again
>The Great Honkscape!
>he takes me to the cargo part of the shuttle and uncuffs me
>thanks fam
>I run around at incredibly low stamina as the admins plaster Honk in white letters on everyone
>round ends

So that was a pretty great round

Tue Nov 17, 2015 3:51 am

cap guns dont even do damage that borg was just a shit

ShadowDimentio · Wed Nov 18, 2015 12:34 am

Zilenan91 wrote:Get dunked on

>beating a parasite by punching it to death

Fucking what. Either you're the second coming of christ or that parasite is absolutely awful

newfren · Post by **newfren** » Wed Nov 18, 2015 1:15 am #134373

ShadowDimentio wrote:
Zilenan91 wrote:Get dunked on
>beating a parasite by punching it to death

Fucking what. Either you're the second coming of christ or that parasite is absolutely awful

The parasite had been lasered 4 times before that and I think the host was in crit.

ShadowDimentio · Wed Nov 18, 2015 2:52 am

>Be me, latejoin warden
>Go to the brig and check on my wares
>Wares are in place
>All is normal until the HoS drags in the clown
>I ask what he did over sec comms
>Cap says he challenged the clown to glorious combat and the clown slipped and stole his ID
>How dishonorabru
>Take the clown from the HoS and tell him not to do it again
>Take the cap's ID back too
>Release the clown
>Time passes
>CMO walks in
>Asks for the execution saw
>Tell him to ask cargo not me
>He threatens to have me fired
>Show him the cap's ID
>Whatnow.mp4
>CMO says it's time for plan B
>Takes out a grenade
>"Do you know what this is?"
>Shoot him like four times with the lasergun I had in my bag
>He tries to run
>No Escape 6.8/10 on IMDB
>He gets crit
>Cuff and heal him back up
>"Well I wasn't expecting that."
>Clown enters the playing field
>SHOOTS ME WITH LASERS!!
>No wait it's just the practice lasergun from the table
>He's wearing the HoS' stuff and tosses me the cap's spare ID
>Oh clown
>Pocket it and the clown leaves
>Still have the CMO
>Shuttle's most of the way here
>Take his stuff and ID and boot him out
>Go board the shuttle
>Ride on home after a chill round

And now for unexpectedly being the MVP of a round

>Be me, normie fag janitor
>Clean floors
>Finish cleaning floors
>Go to HoP and ask for all access so I can clean all the floors ever
>They deny it but give me some general department access
>That'll do
>Clean them floors
>Be in science
>Robotics is filthy
>Knock on their window until they let me in
>Roboticist was about to operate on the chaplain/detective
>Start cleaning the floor when the detective shoots the roboticist and drags him off
>Welp, time to be the hero
>Pursue
>Following the blood trail, slipping floors as I go
>CHALLENGER APPROACHES!!
>It's the HoS
>Help them up
>THEY TAKE OUT A STUNBATON!!
>And kill a mouse
>Tell them their detective just tried to kill the roboticist and that they're somewhere around here
>They go look where I was about to look
>See the detective trying to absorb the roboticst
>Dunk him quickly and we both go off to the gibber
>IT'S NOT THERE!!
>Shitcurity reinforcements have shown up
>They seperate me from the HoS
>Remember that I saw the gibber being dragged off in the dorms
>Remember because I slipped the guy that was doing it
>Good times
>Climb towards the HoS to tell them this
>They're trying to beat the ling to death while it's on a meat spike
>Shout that the gibber's probably somewhere in the dorms
>Totally. Ignored.
>Rude
>Go to get the gibber for them then
>Find it at the holodeck
>Try to move it
>Can't
>Well they can bring the ling to it then
>Go try and tell them
>Totally. Ignored.
>The HoP drags the ling to the incinerator and incinerates it
>Took you a while
>Go find the HoS because they weren't with the ling
>Tell them where the gibber is
>They and I go look together
>Metal foam in the way
>That's new
>HoS whips out an esword and slices it open
>SUDDENLY PLASMA FIRE
>Pink haired assistand runs past us
>VALID!
>Pursue them
>Suddenly taking massive damage seemingly from nowhere
>Go to medbay to get that checked out
>Tox damage from somewhere
>Drink up some antitox and are good as new
>See that same stupid pink haired guy getting dragging into cryo
>Tell the doctor to wait, that that's the guy who just started a fire
>Totally. Ignored.
>They cryo him and walk off
>Get some guard to help me arrest him
>SUDDENLY HOLOPARASITE!!
>The guard and the other three people in medbay are on fire
>Get pushed away thanks to their panic
>Learn in the process that being on the janicart makes me immune to the chaos holoparasite's touchy fire thing
>Clearly I am the chosen one
>Holoparasite drags the guy off
>Pursue
>Follow the trail of burning people to the chapel
>Extinguisher powers ENGAGED
>I whack at it with my extinguisher while several sec guys and the HoS shoot at it with lasers
>It dies
>BUT SO DOES MY CART
>NOOOOOOOOOO!!
>Ask the HoS for a new cart
>They toss me a pen
>Wut
>They tell me to activate it
>Suddenly edagger!
>Thanks Osama
>Still want a cart
>Go to security to ask the warden for it
>The armory is wide open
>Go in and help myself
>Get 3 laserguns and the secway
>I am validhunt incarnate
>Wander around, hunting for them valids
>See someone fighting with an officer in medbay
>Officer gets tabled
>Laser the foul criminal dead and then stab them with the edagger for good measure
>JUSTICE SERVED
>Hear reports of some guy murdering the geneticist
>I'M ON THE CASE
>Wander in science maint, his last known location
>Find nothing and give up
>Go look in science
>See some guy releasing plasma
>Doubt myself and ask for an officer to assist me
>But nobody came
>Leave the guy alone
>Eventually the shuttle's called and arrives
>On the way there am accosted by a secborg for some reason??
>Guard tells the borg to fuck off and that I'm cool
>Borg attacks me again
>Engiborg who heard the guard flashes the secborg
>I take out one of my guns and unload on the secborg for being a shit
>But it was the gun I used on the tabling assistant earlier so only like three shots left
>Go to get my other gun but the borg escapes
>Whatever
>Get on the shuttle shortly later
>HOLOPARASITE!!
>Go to attack it
>Secborg is there and attacks me
>Fucking what
>WHY
>Flashbang goes off
>Can't see or move or anything
>Have my gun ready to shoot the borg next time I see it
>No wait it got EMP'd from somewhere??
>Also I'm drunk??
>Can't do anything
>Sit in a chair until the shuttle arrives at HQ
>Tfw you will never kill a secborg
>Also the guy I saw releasing plasma was an antag and I WAS RIGHT I WAS FUCKING RIGHT

Still that round was a shitload of fun

IcePacks · Post by **IcePacks** » Wed Nov 18, 2015 9:21 pm #134560

>time to play some spacemans before work
>you are the traitor
>go do this
>nah i gotta go to work no time
>set up a bomb in an emergency storage
>try to figure out the wires
>oops
>boom
>Hartley Seelig whispers in their final breath, "Jesus fucking christ what the fuck..."
>i am quickly deduced to be the bomber because of racial profiling
>oh and some circumstantial evidence
>idiots surmise that i somehow survived standing right on my own explosive
>LOOK OUT PAX COULD BE ANYWHERE
>CALL THE DAMN SHUTTLE
>shuttle's called; cuban pax is the emergency
>OH MY GOD HE'LL KILL US ALL
>become the boogeyman because of an accident

lolnon · Post by **lolnon** » Thu Nov 19, 2015 9:01 am #134710

>Waiting in HoP line
>Warden is in front of me taking his time to get all-access
>The Warden has a spasm attack for no apparent reason
>Blames me because I was next to him
Cooper Cooper is hit by the disabler beam (x3)
The Warden is attempting to put handcuffs on Cooper Cooper
>Get dragged to brig while I call him a spastic
>He takes me to the execution chamber
>"Welp", I think, "deadchat is gonna love this story"

>Sec officer walks in.
>I try to explain to him that the Warden's a spastic and trying to cover it up by executing me
>Warden was right about one thing
>There are lings on station
>There's a ling in the room

A grotesque blade forms around the sec officer's arm!
The sec officer hacks the warden in the face with the armblade
Cooper Cooper says, "Kill that spastic fucker."
The sec officer slashes the warden in the face with the armblade
The spastic spasms and falls limp, his eyes dead and lifeless... Never to spasm again.

I had a chuckle with the ling and we went out separate ways.

TheNightingale · Thu Nov 19, 2015 11:40 am

lolnon wrote:>Waiting in HoP line
>Warden is in front of me taking her time to get all-access
>The Warden has a spasm attack for no apparent reason
>Blames me because I was next to her
Cooper Cooper is hit by the disabler beam (x3)
The Warden is attempting to put handcuffs on Cooper Cooper
>Get dragged to brig while I call her ableist slurs
>She takes me to the execution chamber
>"Welp", I think, "deadchat is gonna love this story"

>Sec officer walks in.
>I try to explain to him that the Warden's a spastic and trying to cover it up by executing me
>Warden was right about one thing
>There are lings on station
>There's a ling in the room

A grotesque blade forms around the sec officer's arm!
The sec officer hacks the warden in the face with the armblade
Cooper Cooper says, "Kill her."
The sec officer slashes the warden in the face with the armblade
The Warden spasms and falls limp, her eyes dead and lifeless... Never to spasm again.

I had a chuckle with the ling and we went out separate ways.

You are the Warden!
You are at the HoP line with another officer, getting HoS-level access (there isn't a HoS yet).
Suddenly, twitch.
You don't feel entirely yourself. In fact, you don't feel yourself at all; you're pretty sure you just got transform-stung.
A slight pause, and you turn to the Engineer next to you. "Did you just..."
He calls you a spastic. Very polite.
Three disabler shots and handcuffs. "You're under arrest on suspicion of being a changeling."
"You have the right to remain silent, you have the right t--" "SPASTIC WHY YOU ATTACKING ME"
He's the primary suspect in a changeling case, is why. Calling you that isn't helping his case.
The Engineer makes no effort to defend his case.
"SPASTIC YOU MORON"
The other officer walks in. You start to explain that your prisoner here is quite possibly a changeling, when...
Snikt. Suddenly, armblade, and you're knocked down before you can draw your taser.
The Engineer is encouraging the changeling, you note, as everything fades to white.
You're pretty sure the Engineer doesn't tell the rest of Security about the changeling in their midst, nor anyone else of authority... or at all.

Well played to the changeling, they framed you perfectly there. It's probably not too good to call people 'spastic' in future, though, what with it being the second most offensive ableist slur there is.

DemonFiren · Post by **DemonFiren** » Thu Nov 19, 2015 11:46 am #134734

>ableist

How autistic.

Saegrimr · Post by **Saegrimr** » Thu Nov 19, 2015 12:22 pm #134737

Pretty sure he's just being retarded on purpose at this point.

Super Aggro Crag · Thu Nov 19, 2015 2:55 pm

I can be more offensive I bet

ThanatosRa · Post by **ThanatosRa** » Thu Nov 19, 2015 9:30 pm #134851

Is it bad that I consider demonfiren one if us now?

DemonFiren · Post by **DemonFiren** » Thu Nov 19, 2015 9:37 pm #134854

Yes, it is.

Soon you will be melded with the reptilian hivemind.

ThanatosRa · Post by **ThanatosRa** » Thu Nov 19, 2015 9:43 pm #134857

You're one of the good ones

bandit · Post by **bandit** » Thu Nov 19, 2015 9:52 pm #134862

Prototypical Space Station 13 round:

- A trial is held for a gibbering man in a straitjacket. There are no lawyers.
- Adolf Hitler has signed up as Lawyer.
- Since he is the only lawyer, he is the defense.
- A changeling (me) turns Adolf into a lizard.
- Adolf's defense is a long speech about his newfound lizardness and the Chewbacca defense.
- Adolf commits suicide with the emergency tank.
- The trial is immediately invaded by rampaging vending machines from an earlier event.
- The man is ruled guilty. He was innocent.

InsaneHyena · Thu Nov 19, 2015 10:09 pm

Was Adolf Hitler in this round, I suicided after my opponent countered Chewbacca defense with a question if lizard lives matter. I just had no other option.

Thu Nov 19, 2015 11:47 pm

that reminds me of a trial i had one time
i believe that an assistant had the same first name as the lawyer, so he decided to sue him
i was also an assistant but i was happy to steal a suit and say i was a lawyer
there was also no judge so not only was i the prosecution lawyer but the judge as well
i kept banging the gavel so the person i was representing took it and attacked the defense
>go to disarm him as he is swinging the gavel violently
>throw him on the table and punch a few times
>"THEY DON'T CALL ME THE PROSECUTION FOR NOTHING"
>he gets back up and weaken punches me, disarms the other lawyer's briefcase, and crits me with it
>"The prosecution... rests..."
>people observing the trial start gasping in awe
>"Wow, this is an exciting trial"
>person i was representing has a fistfight with the other lawyer, who he eventually kills, but not before taking so much damage that he bled out shortly after
>we're all laughing about it in deadchat
>the courtroom is a bloodbath
>warden comes in and puts all the bodies in a locker

welcome to space station thirteen, where three well dressed men get into an actual legal trial over two people having the same first name, the defense lawyer is not only not a real lawyer but also the acting judge, and the trial inevitably devolves into all three men dying while a crowd watches

ShadowDimentio · Fri Nov 20, 2015 12:00 am

DemonFiren wrote:Yes, it is.

Soon you will be melded with the reptilian hivemind.

No. My neckbeard serves as a mind-control repellent.

Gun Hog · Post by **Gun Hog** » Fri Nov 20, 2015 3:39 am #134930

PKPenguin321 wrote:*snip*

That is the PROPER way to do a trial!

Zilenan91 · Post by **Zilenan91** » Fri Nov 20, 2015 4:58 am #134948

Speaking of trials, the only time I ever saw a legit one was during a malf round. Us borgs kept stalling for more and more time until the AI had like 60 seconds on the timer. Before we went loud we were chanting KILL THEM ALL KILL THEM ALL KILL THEM ALL and dead chat in OOC after round end said they had a good laugh at that.

Danowar · Post by **Danowar** » Fri Nov 20, 2015 5:01 am #134949

The last time I had a trial was when Rylie Pfeifer sued me for slander over the ERP book I wrote about her and Leo. JC Denton was the judge, Leo was her lawyer, and Salts was defending me, in his carp suit regalia. I won that case, but I've been charged to write an All Persons Fictitious Disclaimer on all my books in the future. That was probably the only time I had a trial that didn't end in someone bombing the courtroom to bits.

DrPillzRedux · Fri Nov 20, 2015 5:47 am

Danowar wrote:a trial

[youtube]3kAarnFyLJg[/youtube]

DemonFiren · Post by **DemonFiren** » Fri Nov 20, 2015 9:09 am #134974

I was tried for murder once, against my botanist objective who I mateba'd to death. Thank you, Russian Shuttle.

Well, a miner witnessed the disposal (I was check signature) and seemed chill. Then he suddenly starts screaming about e-swords and armblades and literally every traitor item I couldn't have had, after the botanist was spaced. Which the AI, of course, observed...but that human was already dead, so it wasn't harm and I wasn't gassed.
The miner's accusations were going over the top and he drilled down half the courtroom in his Ripley before the judge chased him out. I admitted to killing the botanist because he pulled a revolver on me and spacing him as panic reaction...and I was let go free because the miner was too much of a pain in the ass.

IcePacks · Post by **IcePacks** » Sat Nov 21, 2015 3:51 pm #135224

>cargo tech
>after work
>man i've got mad max fever what a day
>what a lovely day
>you are traitorling
>blah blah have a wall of objectives
>nah fuck that time to fuck over durkel
>find durkel in the gateway
>get him in a chokehold
>exile implant him
>the people in gateway with me are totally cool with this
>spawn a minibomb in my hand
>

>WITNESS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>blow myself, durkel, and the shitty deathmaze portal the hell up

the objectives were mediocre anyways

Not-Dorsidarf · Sat Nov 21, 2015 9:33 pm

IcePacks wrote:>cargo tech
>after work
>man i've got mad max fever what a day
>what a lovely day
>you are traitorling
>blah blah have a wall of objectives
>nah fuck that time to fuck over durkel
>find durkel in the gateway
>get him in a chokehold
>exile implant him
>the people in gateway with me are totally cool with this
>spawn a minibomb in my hand
>
>WITNESS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>blow myself, durkel, and the shitty deathmaze portal the hell up

the objectives were mediocre anyways

Put it on a spear for extra witnessed

Zilenan91 · Post by **Zilenan91** » Sat Nov 21, 2015 9:59 pm #135259

The ultra meme is putting a minibomb on a stick and insta-gibbing anyone you hit. HoS, cap, RD, anyone.

InsaneHyena · Sun Nov 22, 2015 11:35 am

> CLOWN
> TATOR
> Nah, that's just wishful thinking. Not a traitor, actually.
> Greytide into captain's office, accidentally beat an assistant with a crowbar on the way.
> Give me and the assistant all access.
> Think about what to do next.
> Greytide into AI upload, want to turn AI into Mr. House.
> AI decides to be a cuck, turns on the turrets, then disables the APC
> A ligger security officer comes, I slip right past him and run.
> He whips out a tazer, I whip out a banana peel.
> Unrobust scrub slips, I start stunning him with his own baton
> Forgot that I'm clumsy, get stunned myself on the third hit
> He cuffs me, takes me to the brig and gulags me.
> Need 1000 points to get out.
> Are you fucking kidding me.
> Scream obsenities about liggers and how they should be gassed.
> Badmins turn me into a ligger.
> Oh.
> Contemplate suicide, decide that the only fitting way for me to die would be to be gassed.
> No oxygen tanks in gulag.
> Okay, I must get back to the station and get gassed somehow.
> Dig.
> Dig.
> Dig..
> I must remember NOT to dig too deep, or I'll get to space. Since I have no space suit OR oxygen tank, I'll die.
> Dig
> Dig
> Dig
> Only 300 points so far. 1000 no longer seems reasonable.
> Dig
> Dig
> Dig
> I hear something about AI being rogue and killing everyone on the intercoms.
> I don't fucking care, I need to get back to the station and get gassed.
> Dig
> Dig
> Dig
> Oh shit, dug to deep.
> I FEEL LIKE I'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE
> Luckily, oxygen does not go away too quickly. I still have time.
> Accidentally find gold. That should be worth a LOT of points, right?
> Intercoms go silent - only AI speaks from time to time. I conclude that everyone is dead.
> The shuttle gets called.
> I am at, like, 600 at this point.
> Stop singing "Mine" from Pocahontas, gotta dig fast if I want to get out on time.
> The shuttle will arrive in two minutes, I'm at 861.
> Admins spawn a syndicate space suit
> Thanks for the thought, but it won't really help me at this point.
> Stop trying to dig ore, start shoveling sand.
> AI decides that no one on this station is alive, so it should self-terminate.
> NO, YOU CUCK, I'M ALIVE AND I NEED A GOOD GASSING
> The shuttle arrives.
> Pray for some uranium ore.
> Well, I tried.
> The shuttle leaves.
> GOTTA DIG FAST
> "You are a traitor!"
> Wut.
> Get to 1000
> SWEET JESUS, I'VE MADE IT
> Get back to the station
> Can't actually leave gulag area of the brig
> See an oxygen locker.
> No oxygen tanks inside.
> Fuck.
> Suddenly, plasma.
> Slowly begin dying.
> Try to deathgasp "Fuck liggers".
> I don't actually know how to deathgasp
> Die.
> There are, like, twenty ghosts circling around me, deadchat congratulates me on my 10/10 gulag adventure.
> Round ends.
> Nobody survived.

TheNightingale · Sun Nov 22, 2015 1:26 pm

HOLD IT!

"> Need 1000 points to get out.
> Are you fucking kidding me."

Total crimes:
Resisting Arrest, Assault, Assault (Deadly Weapon), Assault (Officer), Possession (Restricted Weapons), Major Trespass, B&E Restricted, Grand Sabotage, Grand Theft.
Total advised brig time as per Space Law:
1 + 2 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + Infinite (10) + Infinite (10)
= 48 minutes
As per the Major Crimes section, one minute is worth 100 points, so 48 minutes is worth 4800 points.
You were only sentenced to 1000. The officer here was being quite kind in giving you a gulag card at all.

Zilenan91 · Post by **Zilenan91** » Sun Nov 22, 2015 10:27 pm #135513

The maximum points is 1000.

InsaneHyena · Sun Nov 22, 2015 10:34 pm

HOLD IT!

"> Need 1000 points to get out.
> Are you fucking kidding me."

Total crimes:
Resisting Arrest, Assault, Assault (Deadly Weapon), Assault (Officer), Possession (Restricted Weapons), Major Trespass, B&E Restricted, Grand Sabotage, Grand Theft.
Total advised brig time as per Space Law:
1 + 2 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + Infinite (10) + Infinite (10)
= 48 minutes
As per the Major Crimes section, one minute is worth 100 points, so 48 minutes is worth 4800 points.
You were only sentenced to 1000. The officer here was being quite kind in giving you a gulag card at all.

Players like you are the reason security sucks.

IcePacks · Post by **IcePacks** » Mon Nov 23, 2015 3:18 am #135593

TheNightingale wrote:HOLD IT!

"> Need 1000 points to get out.
> Are you fucking kidding me."

Total crimes:
Resisting Arrest, Assault, Assault (Deadly Weapon), Assault (Officer), Possession (Restricted Weapons), Major Trespass, B&E Restricted, Grand Sabotage, Grand Theft.
Total advised brig time as per Space Law:
1 + 2 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + Infinite (10) + Infinite (10)
= 48 minutes
As per the Major Crimes section, one minute is worth 100 points, so 48 minutes is worth 4800 points.
You were only sentenced to 1000. The officer here was being quite kind in giving you a gulag card at all.

hi

we literally have next to no moderation whatsoever on gulag sentences

ShadowDimentio · Mon Nov 23, 2015 3:25 am

InsaneHyena wrote:
HOLD IT!

"> Need 1000 points to get out.
> Are you fucking kidding me."

Total crimes:
Resisting Arrest, Assault, Assault (Deadly Weapon), Assault (Officer), Possession (Restricted Weapons), Major Trespass, B&E Restricted, Grand Sabotage, Grand Theft.
Total advised brig time as per Space Law:
1 + 2 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + Infinite (10) + Infinite (10)
= 48 minutes
As per the Major Crimes section, one minute is worth 100 points, so 48 minutes is worth 4800 points.
You were only sentenced to 1000. The officer here was being quite kind in giving you a gulag card at all.
Players like you are the reason security sucks.

What's worse than shitcurity

Bureaucracy shitcurity

DemonFiren · Post by **DemonFiren** » Mon Nov 23, 2015 7:50 am #135661

I think NIghtingale is a pretty autistic player regardless of role.

Post by **oranges** » Mon Nov 23, 2015 10:00 am #135671

anyone who takes those wiki page seriously needs to be job banned from security.

Cheimon · Post by **Cheimon** » Mon Nov 23, 2015 10:30 am #135677

Space Law is only useful for two things: applying maximum time to greytiders, and permaing your valids.

TheNightingale · Mon Nov 23, 2015 12:42 pm

DemonFiren wrote:I think NIghtingale is a pretty autistic player regardless of role.

Your words doth wound me,
I am burned. Get me ointment.
Back on topic, though:

You are Swarm-Of-Bees, the Roboticist!
You're looking forward to a nice, quiet shift, with nothing bad happening, or--
You are the Revolutionary! A Scientist just flashed you. Ah, well.
Nothing much of note happens, other than that the gateway is open.
A little while later, Mining delivers, and you construct a Durand for yourself, and one for the other Roboticist.
Something seems to be going wrong in the gateway. You head over there to see what's going on.
The entire Command staff, minus the HoP, has left for the away mission, and the HoP is by the gateway.
You announce your intent to go through and help anyone inside, and take an energy gun from a nearby table.
The HoP complains loudly, since that was his energy gun, and you just stole it.
You explain you're going to need a backup weapon for if your Durand gets destroyed.
The HoP doesn't believe you, and tries to shoot your Durand.
You gun him down with the Ultra AC2 and throw his body through the gateway.
The heads of staff have been defeated!